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ReadSTUDY: CAPITALISM IS HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH (News): MUDCAT FALLS -- A new scientific study has found empirical evidence that capitalism is hazardous to your health. Brevet Professor Gunther Uberflassen of the Centers for Social and Economic Justice at Mudcat Falls Community College has completed an exhaustive study of traffic accidents and moving vi . . . .
ReadGOOGLE: DON'T BLAME US (News): MUDCAT FALLS -- Local man Merlin Whitecap has filed a law suit against Google for damages due to mental anguish and emotional distress caused by his arrest and incarceration by the U.S. Secret Service and the Federal Bureau of Investigation for alleged threats and racist slurs against President Bar . . . .
ReadUNIONS, RADICALS SEEK TO SPREAD RIOTS ON-LINE (News): SILICON VALLEY -- In high level, top secret meetings union leaders, community organizers and social media gurus have been urgently huddling to explore ways to leverage technology in order to conduct traditional picketing and demonstrating on the world wide web. "Having thirty-five thousand people s . . . .
ReadSOLDIERS UNDER ASSAULT FOR SMOKING (News): WASHINGTON DC -- As if battling the Republican Guard and Iraqi terrorists was not enough, the Pentagon now finds itself ensnarled in the battle for a smoke free humanity as anti-tobacco groups have filed a class action suit to help protect American soldiers on the battlefield. "The EPA recommends t . . . .
ReadACLU SUES AL-QAEDA OVER XMAS DAY BOMBING (News): DETROIT -- The American Civil Liberties Union and the Center for Constitutional Rights announced today they have filed a civil rights lawsuit in the United States District Court for the Eastern District of Michigan against al-Qaeda for the in-flight bombing attempt on Christmas Day on Northwest Air . . . .
ReadBUBBLE BAN A DICKENS FOR SCHOOL (News): MUDCAT FALLS -- Calabash County Unified School District Administrators now find themselves under siege from Health Department officials as well as the ACLU, parents and vendors as they scramble to comply with a federal judge's court order to institute a "preservative free zone" at Charles Dickens E . . . .
ReadGRAY LADY DOWN . . . SIZING (News): NEW YORK -- The New York Times Corporation, suffering from eroding circulation and anemic advertising revenue despite strong U.S. economic growth, tried without success to quietly announce another round of layoffs as well as a new outsourcing initiative to stem a growing tide of red ink at its fami . . . .
ReadMUDCAT FALLS BELL DECLARES WAR ON CANADA (News): MUDCAT FALLS -- In a move that befuddled most Wall Street analysts, the Mudcat Falls Bell Telephone Company was rumored to have declared war on the nation of Canada yesterday after the closing bell on the New York Stock Exchange. "I have no comment on what might well be regarded as proprietary comp . . . .
ReadSARS EMERGENCY PLAN DROPPED (News): MUDCAT FALLS -- The Calabash County Health Department has quietly dropped their emergency response plan to deal with an outbreak of Sudden Acute Respiratory Syndrome, known as SARS, that has plagued cities around the world. Although Board Chairman, Benjamin X. Byle, M.D., claimed that the imminent . . . .
ReadCOMA WON'T KEEP CANDIDATE DOWN (News): MUDCAT FALLS -- Despite what doctors warn may become a persistent vegetative state, a spokesman for Democratic hopeful John Fitzgerald Kiltkuff declared that the candidate will not give up his quest to become mayor and pointed to a bump in recent polls as evidence that he can still win the election . . . .
ReadSUSPECTED SADDAM SIMULACRUMS SUSPEND TRIAL (News): BAGHDAD -- The trial of Saddam Hussein was adjourned by the Chief Judge indefinitely in the midst of a scandal broken by the New York Times over the use of suspected doubles for the former ruler of Iraq during the trial. "President Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction and now, again, he's go . . . .
ReadBARMAID SUES BUDWEISER, MILLER (News): MUDCAT FALLS -- The Barleycorn District is abuzz this morning with the news that Stevie Ray's Blues Club has become the trip wire for what legal scholars agree could be the next big legal industry bonanza. With attorney Steve Dallas at her side, waitress Dahlia Jigglesjohn filed papers for a class . . . .
ReadMOAP MEETS MOAB (News): MUDCAT FALLS -- In a strongly worded letter to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, renowned local thespian and political activist, Digby Dalhaber expressed his outrage on behalf of CLAP or the Calabash League of Activists for Peace, claiming their first amendment rights to free speech are being w . . . .
ReadPANDEMONIUM AT DMV (News): MUDCAT FALLS -- Following in the wake of the recent landmark legal decision in the Frantyska Walsplat discrimination case, lines and complaints at the Barleycorn District State License Bureau are growing exponentially. "It was surely bad before, but now it is chaos, utter anarchy," said Reverend Ar . . . .
ReadBUSH TERRORIZES LOCAL STUDENTS (News): MUDCAT FALLS -- Calabash-Hoover High School was closed Friday by armed agents of the United States Department of Education, after a raid by Federal forces for alleged violations of the "No Child Left Behind Act of 2001." After languishing for decades in the educational cellar, Calabash-Hoover High . . . .
ReadCHENEY OFFENDS EVERYONE (News): FULTON -- Returning to the historic Missouri site of Winston Churchill's landmark speech, Vice President Richard Cheney's attempt to rally support for an increasingly unpopular war in Iraq created a firestorm of protest and recrimination from across the political spectrum. "An 'Iron Burka' has desc . . . .
ReadNON-PLUSSED EXPERTS POW-WOW (News): BOSTON -- A conclave of academics, experts, advisors, researchers, consultants and professional prognosticators met in secret at Harvard University this week to apply their considerable brain power to solving the riddle of reversing their free falling credibility in the eyes of the general public. . . . .
ReadRUMSFELD, RIDGE COME TO BLOWS OVER TSA (News): WASHINGTON DC -- Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld had to be physically restrained from assaulting Tom Ridge, who was attending his very first full cabinet meeting with President George W. Bush last week as the newly confirmed Secretary of Homeland Security. Rumsfeld, a former Naval Aviator, thr . . . .
ReadGLOBAL WARMING CLAIMS FIRST HUMAN VICTIM (News): PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- According to environmental activists, global warming has officially claimed its first human victim, Pistol Creek University Philosophy Professor Fortran Phlatturth, who was found dead in his solarium, purportedly having succumbed to extreme greenhouse effect. "While the Bus . . . .


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