 Read | FED RAID SHUTS DOWN LOCAL BUSINESS (News): MUDCAT FALLS — A SWAT team comprised of agents from the United States Department of Agriculture and the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission descended upon RK Meat Packing Company following up a complaint of discrimination and unfair business practices in violation of Title VII of the Civil Rig . . . . |
| Read | FIRST FACT FREE ZONE ESTABLISHED IN U.S. (News): MUDCAT FALLS — MUDCAT FALLS — The City Council voted unanimously at last night’s meeting to establish the downtown Barleycorn District as the nation’s first “Fact Free Zone.” Modeled on the Gun-Free School Zones Act (GFSZA) of 1990, the bi-partisan resolution prohibits any unauthorized indivi . . . . |
| Read | OBAMAPOINTS: UNIVERSAL REWARDS PROGRAMS (News): WASHINGTON DC -- Much needed shopper relief is the the aim of new legislation introduced by Senator Fritz "Kingfish" Tweed and endorsed by the Obama Administration. The Consumer Loyalty Award Promotion Program Equality and Relief Act of 2014 aims to reduce the number of plastic cards carried by sho . . . . |
| Read | EXPLOSIVE IQ TESTS (News): WASHINGTON DC -- Senator Fritz "Kingfish" Tweed, vocal critic of the Bush Administration's policy in Iraq, called for immediate IQ testing on the Pentagon's arsenal of so-called "smart bombs" after errant munitions destroyed his SUV while parked at the Tweed family compound just west of the Limbaug . . . . |
| Read | WE SHALL UNDERMINE (News): SAN FRANCISCO -- In a bold, pre-emptive move, former Attorney General Ramsey Clark has filed a civil rights discrimination suit against President George W. Bush, the Pentagon and the U.S. Departments of Justice, Homeland Security, Housing and Urban Development and Health and Human Services. The U.S . . . . |
| Read | MAKE OVER PARTY TURNS UGLY (News): MUDCAT FALLS -- Last night's make over party at the home of Darla Sue Darling took an ugly turn, ending up with her neatly kept house surrounded by Highway Patrol cruisers, SWAT Team sharp-shooters, K-9 unit Alsatians and, eventually, Sheriff's Department yellow crime scene tape. A six-hour stand-o . . . . |
| Read | ICE PACK GROWS, ALARM INCREASES (News): WASHINGTON DC -- As scientists continue to document the growth of the Antarctic ice pack, environmental groups are sounding the alarm at the dangerous implications for planet Earth. In 2002, a team of scientists from NASA's Jet Propulsion laboratory and the California Institute of Technology used s . . . . |
| Read | UNWELCOME SHRINERS (News): TAMPA -- Red-faced government officials are scrambling to justify and explain their raid on a "suspected domestic terrorist group" based in Florida, which turned out to be a well-known fraternal organization. Shortly after eight o'clock in the morning, special agents of the FBI and the Department o . . . . |
| Read | SCIENCE DEPARTMENT MOURNS MISSING COLLEAGUE (News): MUDCAT FALLS -- Flags are flying at half mast at the Mudcat Falls Community College Hall of Science to mourn the disappearance and presumed death of eclectic Professor Mastiff Peakwaud on New Year's Day as he traversed a squall line in pursuit of a rare F4 white winter tornado from a freak thunder- . . . . |
| Read | FEDS RAID LOCAL MANUFACTURER (News): MUDCAT FALLS -- The Akooka Sporting Goods Company factory and offices in northeast Calabash County were raided by agents of the F.B.I., the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms and the U.S. Department of Homeland Security, who seized files, records, computers and finished goods inventory as they . . . . |
| Read | TAKING IT TO THE STREETS (News): MUDCAT FALLS -- In a scene not seen since the day Al Cowling drove O.J. to surrender to authorities, the entire Calabash County road system was clogged worse than the arteries of renowned hamburger muncher J. Wellington Wimpy, when 78 year-old farmer Grit Gizzerd led the Sheriff's Department, the e . . . . |
| Read | HITTING LAWYERS WITH A SHOVEL SUIT (News): GILA BEND -- The widow of a heavy equipment operator filed suit against the usual suspects, but in a surprise move has also named the American Bar Association and Trial Lawyers Unlimited as negligent in the death of her husband. Big River Construction Company employee Dizzy Beenater died when his p . . . . |
| Read | MUSLIM CLERICS CALL FOR DESTRUCTION OF IDAHO (News): POCATELLO -- The Arab street erupted in violence after Ayatohlah Sayid Mehmoodi declared a fatwa pronouncing a death sentence for an Idaho man who claims to have found a potato purported to have an image of the Prophet Mohammad on its skin and calling for a jihad against the Gem State. "I thought t . . . . |
| Read | BUT IT'S A DRY HEAT (News): TOUGALOO -- Global Warming came under attack from an unexpected quarter that has enraged the world scientific community. Professor J. Harlan Yalobusha, Professor of Meteorology at Tougaloo University, near Jackson, Mississippi, has released data findings that he claims debunk the apocalyptic predic . . . . |
| Read | CIA FEARS AL QAEDA-AMISH AXIS (News): BIRD-IN-HAND -- According to unnamed government sources, the Bush Administration has been briefed by the CIA on a possible connection between two tightly knit religious groups, al-Qaeda and the Amish. The classified report claims that Pennsylvania Dutch Country may well be a hot bed for terrorist s . . . . |
| Read | CLIMATOLOGISTS HAVE DIFFICULTY ADJUSTING TO REAL WORLD (News): MUDCAT FALLS -- The email scandal at East Anglia Climate Research Unit last November put many climate researchers out of work and many of those global warming academics have been finding the adjustment to the real world difficult. "Personally, I liked the university. They gave us money and faciliti . . . . |
| Read | EXTREMIST MAKE-OVER (News): DAMADOLA -- Lawyers for the terrorist group formerly known as 'Al Qaeda' have filed the U.S. Federal Trade Commission paperwork to officially change the group's name to "Council of Loving Arabs for Peace." The public relations move was quickly embraced by most major news organizations, including th . . . . |
| Read | CONE OF SILENCE PROPOSED FOR PLANET EARTH (News): NEW YORK -- The United Nation's Council on Lookout for an Ailing Planet issued an emergency decree to save the earth, as well as all flora and fauna species, including even mankind, from the ravages of global warming. "When patient be sick and in, how you say, hospital hammock, he need quiet time, . . . . |
| Read | CHUMWATER CHALLENGE CHUCKED (News): MUDCAT FALLS -- In a move that stunned most legal experts and observers, Judge Aristotle Needlemensch refused to throw out Porky Chumwater's lawsuit against McDonald's corporation for damages to his career, finances and health suffered from a life long consumption of fast food, in particular his fa . . . . |
| Read | ACLU SUES SELF OVER NON-NATIVITY SCENE (News): MUDCAT FALLS -- A splinter group of the Mudcat Falls chapter of the American Civil Liberties Union filed suit against itself for violations of the U.S. Constitution's Establishment Clause. Official court documents, filed yesterday with the Calabash County Clerk of Courts, allege that the ACLU's pre . . . . |