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P.E.T.A. Protest "Squashed"

MUDCAT FALLS -- City workers were seen cleaning up blood, fecal matter and corpses from the street outside Bio-Die Chemical Corporation, where an animal rights protest unexpectedly went awry yesterday afternoon, leaving death, injury and tearful school children abandoned in its wake.

In a prepared statement, Hillary Hickums, President of the Local Chapter of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, declared, "Animals are not ours to eat, wear, experiment on, or use for entertainment. We deplore Bio-Die's LD50 Lethal Dose Poisoning tests, as well as the toxicity research done for the Department of Defense at nearby Whaanker Air Force Base, as horrifically cruel and needless animal experiments and renew our call that they should cease immediately."

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is an international nonprofit organization dedicated to exposing and eliminating animal abuse wherever it occurs. PETA uses public education, litigation, research and investigations, media campaigns, lobbying and grassroots organizing to accomplish its goal of protecting all species from exploitation and cruelty. PETA’s membership of more than 750,000 continues to grow as more and more people become aware of the plight of animals they previously either never knew about or never thought about.

"Well, like the sign says, we turn vermin into victims," responded Bio-Die spokesman Wendall O'Reelie, pointing back over his shoulder at a company billboard, "And I just don't know how to adequately verify the effectiveness of our pesticide products for companies like Terminex and Orkin without doing these kinds of tests."

Hickums had been joined by approximately 125 other protesters for the noon-hour picketing session at the company's headquarters. The orderly demonstration soon took a bizarre turn when two Bio-Die company salesmen returning from a business lunch meeting turned loose thousands of cockroaches, millipedes and termites, normally used as test subjects, on the sidewalk near the soccer moms, unleashing a torrent of fear and unbridled emotions that resulted in the stampede stomping death of thousands of innocent insects the protesters had gathered to protect.

"I ain't seen nothin' like it since Nam," said Sheriff Atticus W. Moosejowl, as he surveyed the damage and carnage upon arrivng on the scene.

In a related development, the Calabash County Unified School District reported that hundreds of young students were left abandoned at Charles Dickens Elementary School, waiting for mothers missing in action to pick them up after classes were dismissed.

O'Reelie declined to comment on whether the two unnamed salesmen would be disciplined for their actions which initiated the entomologicide. "Even though we pay top dollar to import these species from jungles throughout the world and it did ultimately cost the company a pretty penny, the reaction of the Board of Directors and top management when they reviewed video tape of the incident was . . . well . . . unrestrained laughter and guffaws."



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