Go to News Headlines

Tweed Teeters on TV

WASHINGTON DC -- Immediately following his appearance on Meet the Press, Senator Fritz "Kingfish" Tweed, beloved populist and local Democrat party leader, was taken into protective political custody by officials of the Democratic party after making remarks that most pundits agree could be construed as being generally supportive and possibly even complimentary to President George W. Bush.

"He seemed a bit confused, so I tried to help him out with my dry eraser board," said Host and Moderator Tim Russert. "Then I was completely taken aback when he suddenly started describing President Bush as a man of 'great integrity, faith and sincerity' who was earnest in doing what he believed was right for the country. You just don't hear that kind of rhetoric out of a Democrat these days."

Earlier that morning, Tweed had called Bush a "nincompoop" and a "dim bulb" during an appearance on Fox News Sunday with Chris Wallace. A growing number of flip-flops by the Senator over the past twenty-four months have been attributed to everything from savvy political positioning for a potential run for the Presidency to excessive consumption of alcohol to early on-set Alzheimer's, all of which have been denied repeatedly by Tweed and his staff, who increasingly attempted to explain the erratic behavior as the result of fatigue from the stresses of serving in the Senate during war time and the demands of nonstop campaigning during an election year.

"The Democratic Party is really just a big family and we're just looking after one of our own," said DNC Chairman Terry McAulliffe, "This is a new day in America. It's not September 12, 2001, anymore and while the Bush Administration fiddles around with their so-called war on terror, we are engaged in a life and death struggle to return this country to Democratic control in the fall election."

Tweed was snatched on orders from the DNC Leadership by members of the elite Democratic Phi-Beta-Kappa Force, a highly secret paramilitary arm of the party, some of whom are reported to have served with presumed Presidential nominee John F. Kerry in Vietnam.

"Yeah, a family -- you never go against the family," echoed an unnamed Democratic operative. "I guess not everyone got the message from the Torricelli and Dean campaigns."

Tweed, facing a tough re-election this year had swerved to the right in recent campaign appearances, reversing his long standing positions on abortion, tax cuts and military spending, raising eyebrows among his fellow Democrat Senators.

"We are extremely concerned to hear continued reports of the underhanded and illegitimate tactics used by the vast right wing conspiracy to peel away Democratic votes on the Senate floor," said Minority Leader Tom Daschle. "Including this latest attempt to induce schizophrenia in a respected colleague and good friend in the hopes that one of his other personalities might turn out to be a registered Republican."

People with schizophrenia often suffer terrifying symptoms such as hearing internal voices not heard by others, or believing that other people are reading their minds, controlling their thoughts, or plotting to harm them. Their speech and behavior can be so disorganized that they may be incomprehensible or frightening to others.

The Schizophrenia Society of Calabash County -- whose exact membership is indeterminate due to the nature of the illness -- denied that the mental condition could be induced by Republicans as claimed by Daschle.



Go to News Headlines