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French Troops Massing on Border

PARIS -- Stinging from the recent blizzard of talk radio insults, internet jokes and late night TV show monologues impugning French military prowess, President Jacques Chirac has launched an effort to rehabilitate their nation's tarnished image by ordering the mobilization of troops to the border of Euro-Disneyland to declare war on what his government claims is a world wide spread of cultural terrorism.

"Disneyland, ABC Television and ESPN Sports form an 'Axis of Eisner,' declared French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin in an impassioned speech during an emergency meeting of the United Nations Security Council. "We have irrefutable proof that these regimes have engaged in developing Weapons of Mass Deception which, should they fall into the wrong hands, represent a serious and direct threat to our nation's sensibilities."

A Disney Company spokesman had no comment on France's equation of the beloved Mickey Mouse with Osama bin Laden, but derisively hinted at the possibility of Gallic sour grapes over the series of failures in their repeated attempts to develop a theme park based on the film characters of comedian Jerry Lewis. "I guess nobody really wants to stand in line for three hours to take their kids on a 'Geisha Boy' ride."

Although it is not clear whether France has the votes necessary to pass a U.N. resolution authorizing military action, several nations, including Libya, Iraq, Iran, Cuba and North Korea were quick to voice their support for the French proposal. General Secretary Kofi Anon urged restraint and expressed a desire to let UNMOVIC Inspectors do their work by entering Disneyland to verify the destruction of banned materials. Chief Weapons Inspector Hans Blix stated gleefully that his team would be ready to relocate from Iraq on a moment's notice, but would certainly need an extended period -- months, if not years -- of time to complete their work and report back to the Security Council on their findings in the fun park.

"Well, it does appear that the French have finally picked an army they have a reasonable chance of besting," responded Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to a reporter's question, standing next to a broadly smirking General Richard Myers, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, during a Pentagon press briefing. "But I would not want for a minute to underestimate the capabilities of Disney's Cartoon Corps nor their chances for victory should hostilities break out."


2003 MFTHPPPGT




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