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ReadBATS LEFT, SWINGS . . . . ? (Sports): NEW YORK -- The Topps Company, Inc., has declined comment on a proposal made by the Council for Lesbian Athletic Prowess calling for sexual orientation information to be included on the back of the company's iconic sports trading cards. "It is time for the baseball card industry to drag itself into . . . .
ReadPIE STAINS ON FAIR FUN (Sports): MUDCAT FALLS -- The 137th annual Calabash County Fair Pie Eating Contest was thrown into pandemonium -- figuratively and literally -- as charges of cheating flew like meringue on the Soupy Sales Show, following an official protest which apparently voided the final results of the competition, meanin . . . .
ReadRIAA SUES FIGHTING GOURDS (Sports): WASHINGTON DC -- A recording-industry trade group has filed suit against the Mudcat Falls Community College Fighting Gourds Marching Band for copyright violations. The charges brought by the Recording Industry Association of America stem from the band's hugely popular half time rendition of "Louie, . . . .
ReadHUNKPAPAS PROTEST GOES UP IN SMOKE (Sports): MUDCAT FALLS -- Six Native Americans picketing the offices of the "Hustlin' Hunkpapas", Mudcat Falls' beloved hometown Double-A minor league baseball team, were treated for smoke inhalation after a teepee erected during their protest over the team's name and mascot caught fire and burned down to th . . . .
ReadGATORADE SPILL RED FLAGS RACE (Sports): MUDCAT FALLS -- Saturday night's feature race at the Spider Rapids Speedway saw a revival of the running blood feud between drivers Humpy McCoy and Fireball Richards heat up as the two tangled, jockeying for the lead and those precious points in the season's neck-and-neck Cup competition. Amidst th . . . .
ReadNFL, NCAA FIGHT FEDERAL CSI LEGISLATION (Sports): NEW YORK -- The National Football League and the NCAA have joined forces to fight proposed federal legislation to create and fund independent Criminal Sports Investigation units in the Department of Justice to forensically investigate referee reviewed plays. "Anyone who watches television on Thursd . . . .
ReadSOCCER IT TO ME (Sports): PETALUMA -- Area youth soccer was dealt yet another body blow when the National Soccer Development Axis Presidium de-sanctioned the Calabash County Kiddie Soccer Conference after last week's long awaited re-match between the Mauves and Aquamarines had to be cancelled at the last minute due to a mel . . . .
ReadSPEED RECORD DISQUALIFIED (Sports): BORDON -- The World Sailing Speed Record Council has disqualified a local man's bid for the world's fastest outright 500 meter speed on a windsurfer. Calabash County daredevil Willy "Hold My Beer" Patch claims to have bested the current record of 48.70 knots held by Finian Maynard of the British Vi . . . .
ReadFAIRWAYS ABLAZE FROM SNEAK SURPRISE (Sports): SPIDER RAPIDS -- At approximately 8:00 AM Sunday morning, combined infantry and calvary forces of Hatfield's Cemetery Ridge Paintball Field launched a bold and daring bonsai attack on the neighboring Spider Rapids Country Club, catching golfers, caddies and groundskeepers completely by surprise. "R . . . .
ReadMFCC SWIM TEAM STRIPPED (Sports): PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- Saturday's regional collegiate swim meet ended in chaos, chlorine and controversy as the Pistol Creek University Bullets coach lodged a formal protest with NCAA officials against the Mudcat Falls Community College swim team for illegal corking in violation of Rule 6.06 Sect . . . .
ReadMASCOT MASSACRE (Sports): PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- One of the classic sports rivalries of the Big River Athletic Conference ended in tragedy when Blackie the Bulldog was arrested on second degree murder charges for a third quarter time-out incident during Saturday evening's long awaited match-up between the Pistol Creek Uni . . . .
ReadCLASSIC CLASH K-OS HACKER FAN FAVE (Sports): PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- Local fan favorite Bobby "Weed Whacker" Jones's Sunday charge to the top of the leader board at the Pistol Creek Golf Classic went awry with his errant tee shot on the notorious #12 par 3, indisputably the toughest swing on the storied Spider Rapids Country Club course. Jon . . . .
ReadIVY LEAGUERS BELEAGUERED (Sports): NEW HAVEN -- Lacrosse sticks have fallen silent all across the NCAA, as Judge Aristotle Needlemensch issued a restraining order halting sanctioned competition on American college campuses. The ruling came as a result of a lawsuit brought by Walter Elk Intestines, spiritual leader for the local Shem . . . .
ReadESPN LANDS SOLITAIRE TOURNAMENT (Sports): BRISTOL -- ESPN has announced that they have won the bidding war for the exclusive rights to televise "Jamie Farr's World Celebrity Solitaire Shoot-Out" live from the MGM Grand Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas. "We are very excited to have the opportunity to present this exciting competition for our v . . . .
ReadNASCAR SHOOTING SHOCKS NEIGHBORHOOD (Sports): MUDCAT FALLS -- A political candidate is dead and a likely voter is in jail facing murder charges for a Sunday afternoon shooting during the NASCAR UAW-Ford 500 race at the Talladega Superspeedway. Nick Dixon was canvassing the South Hollow section of the city for votes in his uphill bid to replace . . . .
ReadHUNKPAPA'S COLOR MAN CLIPPED (Sports): PRICKLY PEAR -- A pall has cast its cold shadow over the Hustlin' Hunkpapa's spring training camp with the announced suspension of the team's beloved color commentator, Lefty Wright. "This is a shock to us all," said his long-time partner, play-by-play announcer Herbie Morrison. "Frankly, I didn't . . . .
ReadDHS KOS HUNKPAPAS (Sports): MUDCAT FALLS -- In a stunning raid during the seventh inning stretch of Friday night's game, a Department of Homeland Security investigation into the terrorist activities of the Mudcat Falls Hustlin' Hunkpapas reached a dramatic climax, as black Suburbans belched ICE and FBI agents onto the diamond . . . .

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