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ReadA CRACK IN FEMINIST GROUPS (Sports): MUDCAT FALLS — A radical splinter group for women’s rights is ruffling politically correct feathers by calling for separate but equal sporting events based on biological determinates. “We call ourselves ‘trans-feminists’ because we’re fighting against the biological imperialism of testosteron . . . .
ReadNCAA INVESTIGATES SENIOR'S DEATH (Sports): MUDCAT FALLS -- The NCAA is investigating what may be the first ever reported occurrence of fragging in college football history. The alleged incident took place during the Mudcat Falls Community College Fighting Gourds final game of the season, resulting in the MFCC quarterback, senior Dylan Starr . . . .
ReadFEEL THE BURN (Sports): MUDCAT FALLS -- Fire Chief Smokey Whistler's dreams of glory for his squad at the Scott's Firefighter's Combat Challenge may have gone up in smoke this past week when Mayor Archie Alabaster's home burned to the ground while the FDMF crew practiced for the upcoming Toad Suck Daze qualifying event. H . . . .
ReadMUDCAT FALLS SOCCER LEAGUE BLACK LISTED (Sports): HARTFORD -- The United States Soccer Regime today blackballed the Mudcat Falls Youth Soccer League Chapter of its junior soccer program for what has been termed "grievous" violations of their by-laws. The USSR has cited actions by parents at games which have "willfully and maliciously undermined th . . . .
ReadNASCAR -- THE MUSICAL (Sports): DAYTONA BEACH -- Mike Helton, President of the National Association for Stock Car Racing, announced that the organization has contracted with Great Britain's most famous composer of musicals, Andrew Lloyd Webber, to create a Broadway musical based on the popular racing series. "More than forty perc . . . .
ReadCHECKMATE FOR MFCC CHESS CLUB (Sports): PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- The Mudcat Falls Community College Chess club was trounced by their arch rivals, the Pistol Creek Bullets at the twentieth annual Calabash County Bobby Fisher Memorial Round Robin Elimination Tournament. "I wasn't nervous. I don't know why, but I just couldn't concentrate. . . . .
ReadSTAGE SET FOR FIRST EVER SOMNALYMPICS (Sports): PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- The finishing touches on Glock Arena are nearly complete and competitors are beginning to gather for the Summer Somnalympics, the first ever athletic competition for sleepwalkers. "This has been a dream of mine for nearly a decade," said sports enthusiast, somnambulist and . . . .
ReadPUCKS, CHIPS FLY AS MANURE HITS FAN (Sports): PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- A scheduling error at Glock Coliseum resulted in a bizarre sports exhibition combining the best -- and often the worst of ice hockey and rodeo bull riding. When the National Quarter Pro Hockey Beavers showed up to face-off against the Laval Loons of Canada, half their two h . . . .
ReadFOX SPORTS, FEC IN SECRET NEGOTIATIONS (Sports): LOS ANGELES -- Sending shock waves throughout the news industry, Fox Sports is rumored to be negotiating with the Federal Elections Commission for exclusive rights to coverage of the 2004 Presidential primaries and general election. These actions, eerily similar in nature to their coup over CBS whe . . . .
ReadBULLETS GO NUCLEAR (Sports): SLAVUTICH -- Legendary Pistol Creek University Bullets Basketball scout Les Blenderhoff was given a tall order and has delivered, recruiting an eight foot, one inch center for the team just in time for the annual NCAA "March Madness" tournament. Scouring former Soviet Union republics, Blenderhoff f . . . .
ReadNASCAR NERVOUS NELLIES (Sports): INDIANAPOLIS -- Danica Patrick's fourth place finish at this year's Indianapolis 500 -- the highest finish ever for a female driver -- has curdled more than testosterone in the high octane sport of auto racing and is making for some strange bedfellows. While NASCAR was initially pleased with the 5% . . . .
ReadNASCAR BALKS AT BAGHDAD 500 (Sports): DAYTONA BEACH -- NASCAR is quietly resisting pressure from the White House to schedule a Nextel Cup race in the capital of Iraq as soon as the 2007 season in an effort to gain support for the war effort and possibly to influence the outcome of the 2008 Presidential elections. "The logistics of such . . . .
ReadGITMO TORTURE LINKS TO PGA (Sports): WASHINGTON DC -- As the Special Prosecutor appointed by Attorney General Eric Holder begins his investigation of the CIA's interrogation program, more details about the Agency's use of "enhanced techniques" are coming to light. "They would not let you rest, day or night. Stand up, sit down, stand u . . . .
ReadFIRST LADY'S FIRST PITCH FOR HEALTHY EATING (Sports): WASHINGTON DC -- In lieu of a ceremonial Presidential first pitch, First Lady Michelle Obama was on hand to serve the first tofu dog at the Washington Nationals opening day, shifting her "Let's Move" campaign against obesity from the school lunchroom to sports concession stands. "We need to fundame . . . .
ReadSOCCER MOMS CAGED (Sports): PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- Agents from the office of the Commissar for Litigation of Athletic Parity descended upon the Whormelmier County Park soccer fields over the weekend and rounded up parents suspected of surreptitiously keeping score during the Calabash Cup Soccer Competition Finals. "We recei . . . .
ReadPCU WIN STREAK CHALLENGED (Sports): PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- Pistol Creek University Athletic Director and Bullets football team Head Coach Bo Lumbaguchek has been placed on administrative leave pending an investigation into alleged improprieties involving the use of sideline psychics to predict the play calling of opponents. "Every . . . .
ReadFIGHTING GOURDS COACH SEES RED (Sports): MUDCAT FALLS -- The Mudcat Falls Community College Fighting Gourds' hot new prospect for the coming season was a no show for the first day of training camp. J.J. Kiltkuff, son of 2004 Democratic Mayoral candidate John Fitzgerald Kiltkuff refused to report after learning of Head Coach Woody Molar's . . . .
ReadPORK RIND WIDOW SUES TRIBE (Sports): MUDCAT FALLS -- The widow of Hustlin' Hunkpapa's third baseman Vic "Pork Rind" Perkowski has filed suit against the team for negligence in connection with his death at the hands of the "Meat Grinder" sports serial killer last season. The suit contends that Pork Rind suffered from PTLS -- Post Traum . . . .

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