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ReadGOOGLE ON NASCAR LOSING STREAK (Sports): SPIDER RAPIDS -- Fireball Richards made NASCAR history by finishing dead last for the eighteenth consecutive week in the "ten-to-the-hundredth-power" numbered car at last Saturday's R.K. Tube Steak 500 at the Spider Rapids Speedway. "I can't explain it," said Crew Chief Earl "Lugs" McCracken. "With . . . .
ReadGOURD'S COACH JILTS JAZZERCISE (Sports): MUDCAT FALLS -- Woody Molar, Head Coach of the Mudcat Falls Community College Fighting Gourds football team came out four square against the world's leading dance fitness program known as Jazzercise during a press conference this week. Molar, who holds the NCAA Division III record for the most tie . . . .
ReadSTRIKE ZONE SNIPER KS ANOTHER (Sports): HICKORY -- With the on-field slaying of the Hustlin' Hunkpapa's mediocre third baseman, Vic "Pork Rind" Perkowski, during the fifth inning of a 17-1 pasting by the Hickory Crawdads, FBI profilers have been called in to assist with what now appears to be a series of bizarre baseball slayings. Pork R . . . .
ReadLIKE A BOWLER IN A CHINA SHOP (Sports): MUDCAT FALLS -- While the White House tangles with terrorists halfway around the world, our own local City Hall has found itself grappling with terrorism here at home, as a fringe extremist group, Bowlers Aligned for Return to Fundamentalism, has claimed credit for the vandalism that targeted the W . . . .
ReadNIKE SUED BY LOCAL LEGEND (Sports): PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- The sporting goods industry is reeling from news of a lawsuit filed in Calabash County District Court alleging a direct connection between serious health hazards and the wearing of athletic shoes. The suit, filed on behalf of Slingin' Sonny Turgeson, legendary Pistol Creek . . . .
ReadWRASSLIN' GONE WILD (Sports): PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- Friday night's Extreme Wrestlemania Ultimate Death Match Smack Down at Glock Coliseum degenerated into bonifide pandemonium when Tommy "Room Temperature" Topeka stormed into the crowd to confront a fan who had doused him with beer and the stands erupted into unscripted viol . . . .
ReadWIN STREAK CHALLENGED IN COURT (Sports): PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- Legally licking their wounds from last Saturday afternoon's 112-2 whoopin', the Pistol Creek University Bullets girl's field hockey team has filed suit against Mudcat Falls Community College for alleged Department of Education Title IX violations and NCAA recruiting infract . . . .
ReadGREEN GIANT STADIUM RE-TURFED (Sports): MUDCAT FALLS -- Chancellor Emil Ferritt announced that the home of the Fighting Gourds, Green Giant Stadium, will be fitted with Astro Turf purchased second hand from the Dallas Cowboys' Texas Stadium in Irvine. "His-Toe-Ree," gloated Ferritt. "Just imagine the famous feet that have tread upon this . . . .
ReadGROUP CALLS FOR OUTCOME BASED OLYMPICS (Sports): BERKELEY -- The Committee for Legislating Athletic Parity is calling for the withdrawal of the United States Olympic Team from the 2006 Winter Olympics in Turin, Italy. "No one wants us there, trying to impose our will and our way of life on the rest of the world," said CLAP Chairperson Dr. Leon Ic . . . .
ReadSPRING TRAINING HITS SNAG (Sports): PRICKLY PEAR --The Hustlin' Hunkpapas arrived in Arizona last week for spring training only to discover that their state-of-the-art training facility had been turned into a strip mall. "Yeah, we forgot they was coming," said Prickly Pear Mayor Tony Santa Anna unapologetically. "It ain't like they'r . . . .
ReadFIREBALL OFF THE COUCH AND OFF THE PACE (Sports): MUDCAT FALLS -- Team, sponsor, speedway and NASCAR representatives & officials have been meeting behind closed doors, engaged in tense discussions regarding the startlingly awful on-track performance of four time Cup champion Fireball Richards, who has yet to place in the top forty this season afte . . . .
ReadANGLERS REPEL GANG GREEN (Sports): MUDCAT FALLS -- In what history will surely judge as one of the largest naval engagements since the Battle of Leyte Gulf, the annual Mudcat Falls Nuke Em Bass Tournament and Fish Fry Festival erupted into a fierce battle when extreme radical elements of the Calabash League for Animal Protection kno . . . .
ReadSUPER BOWL PROTEST FLUSHED (Sports): ARLINGTON -- Top secret NFL swat teams swooped down on and detained protestors seeking to use the world's biggest sporting event as a backdrop for their protest just prior to kick-off. Approximately 30-40 members of the Committee for Legislating Athletic Parity were taken into custody and held unti . . . .
ReadEPA RULING SPAWNS FIRST LAWSUIT (Sports): MUDCAT FALLS -- The first lawsuit resulting from the long-expected EPA ruling Monday that greenhouse gases threaten public health was filed at the Calabash County Courthouse on behalf of Edwin "Dash" Hundepup against the NCAA, NFL, MLB, NBA, NHL, NASCAR, PRCA, FIFA and IOC. "Just like Big Oil, Big . . . .
ReadNO JOY IN NERDVILLE (Sports): MUDCAT FALLS -- In a rare joint appearance, Mudcat Falls Community College Head Football Coach Woody Molar and Adjunct Professor of Psychology Gunther Uberflassen called a press conference to announce the results of a landmark study of athletic prowess in Calabash County and to accuse neighboring P . . . .
ReadTIMES TKOS TALLIES (Sports): NEW YORK CITY -- The New York Times announced a major change in policy for athletics reporting by eliminating scores and standings on its sports pages. In keeping with politically correct trends in sports, Times stories will focus on narrative descriptions of play-by-play action, editorial opinion . . . .
ReadATHLE-TERRORISTS TARGET T-BALLERS (Sports): MUDCAT FALLS -- In the early morning hours an extremist fringe group of athletic terrorists struck Mudcat Falls Community College, defacing the formerly Dallas Cowboys astroturf surface and defiling the Megatron scoreboard of Green Giant Stadium, home of the Fighting Gourds and site of this weekend . . . .
ReadHEALTHY LIFESTYLES HAZARDOUS TO HEALTH (Sports): MUDCAT FALLS -- As millions resolve to exercise more in the new year, a local group has released a landmark new medical study which calls into question decades worth of thinking on the benefits of active lifestyles and their importance to longevity. The Couch Loungers for Afterlife Prevention repor . . . .

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