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Local Man Trains for U.S. Olympic Team

MUDCAT FALLS -- Believing that it is only a matter of time before video games will be the next big Olympic event, local man Buster Higglesbottom is training for gold right here in Mudcat Falls. His rigorous routine starts at nine o'clock in the morning to prepare for what the self-proclaimed E-thlete envisions will be an "Electronic Penta-Decathelon," a track-and-field like series of events with competition in two games from each of the established video game platforms: PC, GameCube, Xbox, PlayStation and GameBoy.

"The discipline of just getting up every morning to workout gives me an awesome advantage over most of those I consider to be my serious competition for a chance to represent America at the Olympics. They just don't seem to understand the demands of participating in organized sports. You need more than a quick eye and a strong twitch reflex to succeed at that level," said Higglesbottom, as he led the way down to the V-Gym in his basement. "In the Penta-Decathelon, I think you'll see a mix of the classics, like Sonic, with the latest releases, like Halo. Many people don't consider Video Gaming as a true sport, but this is serious stuff. It has been fully documented and reported by the media that in 1981, a dude actually died playing Berserk. And a Pokeman crossover character caused seizures in over seven hundred kids in Japan. Not to mention the huge psychotic risks, which can unexpectedly explode tragically at any time, like at Columbine, man. You face danger every time you grasp the joystick and park yourself in front of a monitor,"

The $150,000 siliconized work-out room includes a $22,000 custom designed La-Z-Boy recliner positioned exactly sixty-six inches from a 52 inch Sony wide screen, high definition monitor and flanked on every side by the woofers and tweeters of a 1,200 watt multi-channel, THX surround sound system. A GE Profile refrigerator, specially equipped with a re-engineered Genie garage door opener, can automatically open its doors, deliver a chilled can of Mountain Dew and close again, all on Higglesbottom's verbal commands through a computerized speech recognition system. An IBM AS400 server automatically collects EEG, EKG, respiratory, sweat gland output, saliva volume generation and epidural electrical resistance biodata for later analysis by his entourage of coaches and trainers to fine tune his conditioning regime.

Higglesbottom embarked upon his epic quest for Olympic Gold shortly after receiving the jury award for the fiery death of his parents when their Ford Pinto was rear ended by a UPS tractor-trailer hauling triples on the Appalachian Highway during a freak, El Nino produced ice storm. When queried, neither Jacques Rogge, President of the International Olympic Committee, nor any of the other 125 active members of the supreme authority of the Olympic Games, had any knowledge of or comment on the prospects for the inclusion of video games as either a sanctioned or demonstration competition at Athens in 2004 or Beijing in 2008. In a written statement, the U.S. Olympic Committee acknowledged initial sponsorship discussions with several, unnamed electronics and computer software companies, but insists it has taken no official position on "E-thletics."

"I hope the Olympic Committee realizes that Video Gaming has a long history dating as far back as Fusajiro Yamauchi's original founding of Nintendo in 1889 to manufacture Hanfuda playing cards, all the way to Billy Mitchell's awesome max score of 3,333,360 on Pac-Man in 1999. Now, you tell me why Billy doesn't deserve a Gold Medal every bit as much as Olga Korbut," insisted gaming freelance writer, Psycho X. "I think the Olympics could lose badminton or canoeing or synchronized swimming or something to make room for what is clearly the next generation of sports -- they give out a gold medal for Ping Pong for Christ's sake and officially recognize bridge, chess and tug-of-war, but not video games? What's up with that?"

"Really, my dreams would be fulfilled just to hear Jim McKay give me one of those 'Up Close and Personal' intros," said the young Mudcat Falls Future Olympian hopeful. "I still get chills whenever I hear that 'thrill of victory and agony of defeat' doohickey thing."

Legendary ABC sportscaster, Jim McKay, had no comment on Higglesbottom's ambitions.

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