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PCU Bullets Win Streak Challenged

PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- The unprecedented twelve year home field winning streak of the Pistol Creek University Bullets football team is being challenged today by a coalition of teams from the Big River Athletic Conference, including our own local Mudcat Falls Community College Fighting Gourds, alleging an unprecedented conspiracy between the PCU departments of Athletics and Physics to engage in high tech cheating.

"It is an unholy alliance -- the stuff of fiction -- the Capulets and Montagues," lamented MFCC Chancellor Emil Ferrot. "None of us can believe that Geeks and Greeks could have promulgated such cooperative effort that continued for over a decade."

The original decision to route the PCU high energy particle accelerator in and around the storied horseshoe of Bullet's Stadium, seems to have had its genesis in graduate student Ernst Wiccleslip's theory that channelling the forces which bind hadrons onto a specific focal plane array would render Spandex translucent, thus allowing the science students to go where no astrophysicist had gone before: beneath the uniform of a cheerleader.

"Once we boiled down the interactions of quarks and gluons to Xs and Os on a chalk board, the team seemed to get it," said Wiccleslip, now a Research Associate at PCU, during testimony before the NCAA Board of Inquiry. "At least at a rudimentary level. Of course, we would have never expected them to understand our simulations of a non-perturbative approximation based on descretizing four dimensional space-time onto a lattice of points."

What the Bullets were interested in, though, was getting to a college bowl game, so the team provided the brawn in what was quickly code named "The Hawking Project." Digging the trenches, tunnels and cooling canals for the Physics Department's lab equipment which would help provide hard evidence for quantum chromodynamics as the theory of the strong force, the team soon reaped the benefits of experimental electromagnetic by-products, which allowed them to slow down or speed up the game clock at will, loosen the cleat grip of opposing team players on the turf and alter the arc of quarterback passes, giving them a decided competitive advantage, which produced bids for appearances in the Sugar Bowl, the Fiesta Bowl and the Cotton Bowl, where each time the Bullets endured a drubbing without the illicit assistance of science.

"This certainly explains all that Star Wars bull crap philosophy they was always spoutin' off about," growled Woody Molar, MFCC Fighting Gourds Head Coach, squinting into the sun as he watched a team of janitors remove the Bullet's motto, "May the Force Be with You" from the stadium scoreboard.

Wiccleslip exerted his Fifth Amendment rights on the stand when questioned whether the Hawking Project ever provided the hypothesized "X-Ray Vision" through Spandex, as well as during a subsequent grilling over PCU's incredible record of success in recruiting students for science and engineering disciplines.




©2003 MFTHPPPGT




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