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Sports Fans & Indians on Warpath

MUDCAT FALLS -- In a rare show of unity, sports fans and native American tribesmen have banded together with protest groups to fight the change in uniforms of the beloved hometown Hustlin' Hunkpapas for the upcoming season.

"How am I supposed to root for a team all prissied up in pink jerseys, hot pants, lavender knee socks and patten-leather spikes?" lamented season ticket holder Porky Chumwater at the unveiling of the new team colors at a press conference late yesterday afternoon. "I reckon the Colonel's got a point, though, they have been playing like a bunch of little school girls."

Eccentric Hunkpapas owner and sports mogul Colonel Ichabad Cathcart Angleiron, ordered the uniform change after the team's 39-123 record last season, the nineteenth straight losing season for the storied franchise. Only frantic, last-minute intervention by team General Manager Neville Batts stopped Angleiron from also changing the team name to the Mudcat Falls Magnolia Blossoms.

"They dishonor us with their false sports idolatry and now disgrace our proud heritage with these frivolous trappings of capitalistic egomania," said Walter Elk Intestines, spiritual leader for the local Shemp-Pa-Queeg tribe and spokesman for the Congress of the Legacy American Population (CLAP). "The white man brought this color pink to our sacred land along with his small pox virus and his firewater and ruined our way of life."

A protest was quickly organized outside Cheeze-Its stadium, home of the Hunkpapas, by NOW local chapter president Alicia Fingletart to protest the sartorial perpetuation of fascist gender stereotypes and by Digby Dalhaber, Chairman of the Citizen League for the Appreciation of Plants, to limit the use of flower names for sports teams

"CLAP cannot let these arrogant human sports plantationists appropriate yet another of nature's beautiful creations for their own base and obscene profit motives," declared Dalhaber, "Flora have all the same rights as humans and all the other fauna and we will not stand idly by to witness the noble petal of the Magnolia degraded by association with a greedy athletics franchise owner."

Hunkpapas relief pitcher Fidel Iglesias Gonzales Estrada mesmerized the assembled crowd with a six hour thirty-seven minute speech from the dais.

"Crimmany -- Julia Roberts could throw a better breaking ball than that tamale," said Colonel Angleiron upon learning about the protest of his bullpen closer.

Julia Roberts starred as Shelby Eatenton Latcherie in the movie Steel Magnolias.



©2005 MFTHPPPGT




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