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"Just Sue, Baby"

OAKLAND -- The final chapter of a football saga has finally been penned by, of all people, the Justices of the United States Supreme Court, thereby preserving for the ages the play renown the world over as the "Immaculate Reception." In a split 5-4 decision, the Court quietly overturned a 9th Circuit Court decision that had temporarily given victory to Al Davis and the Oakland Raiders in their December 23, 1972, play-off game against the Pittsburgh Steelers.

"Whoa, I forgot all about that one," said Davis when informed of the decision during Raiderette tryouts.

The nortoriously litigious team owner had sued the NFL, Commissioner Pete Rozelle, Steelers owner Art Rooney, Supervisor of NFL Officials Art McNally, Steeler running backs Franco Harris and French Fuqua, Steelers announcer Jack Flemming, Steeler fan Michael Ord, who coined the phrase 'Immaculate Reception', and several Three Rivers Stadium concession vendors, seeking a reversal of the game's outcome as well as unspecified damages. In the flurry of lawsuits filed on his behalf over the ensuing years while moving the Raiders from Oakland to Los Angeles and back again to Oakland, the suit had been completely over looked, until ultimately finding its way to the U.S. Supreme Court in an appeals process run amuck.

The Raiders had originally lost the game in the final twenty-two seconds of play when a deflected Terry Bradshaw pass miraculously ended up in the hands of rookie running back, Franco Harris, who sprinted into the end zone for a game winning touchdown. Raiders Headcoach John Madden led screams of 'illegal touching, illegal touching', claiming the pass was deflected by Fuqua into Harris' hands in violation of 1972 NFL rules. Officials caucused in a baseball dugout in Pittsburgh's Three Rivers Stadium, with Referee Fred Swearingen emerging later to signal a touchdown to the hometown Steeler fans before quickly retreating to the safety of the locker room.

Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia openly derided Davis as a cry-baby and ridiculed his brief claiming violations of the due process law by reviewing instant replay before being instituted by the league, the lack of any Miranda warning to the Raiders defensive squad prior to assessing penalties and use of coersive force by the Steeler fans in unduly influencing the impartiality of the officials.

In a dissenting minority opinion, Justice Ruth Bater Ginsberg sided with Davis' invocation of the establishment clause, warning that the pernicious invasion by religion via an inference to such a holy icon as the Virgin Mary into a national pasttime which is largely played in municipal facilities constitutes the unholiest of alliances between church and state, adding, "Besides which, if Jack "They Call Me Assasin" Tatum says he didn't touch the ball -- that's goddamned good enough for me."

Davis's reaction to the decision was a vow to relocate the Raiders overseas, claiming that several Pacific Rim and Middle Eastern cities have expressed interest in being the home for the storied franchise.


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