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Healthy Lifestyles Hazardous to Health

MUDCAT FALLS -- As millions resolve to exercise more in the new year, a local group has released a landmark new medical study which calls into question decades worth of thinking on the benefits of active lifestyles and their importance to longevity.

The Couch Loungers for Afterlife Prevention report analyzed data collected by the Department of Health and Human Services regarding both adult and youth sports activities and concluded that sports injuries, with an incidence rate of 1 in 260, are nearly as prevalent as cancer, which afflicts 1 in 217.

"Obviously we must start questioning the conventional wisdom of experts who tell us that we will live longer by leading active lifestyles," said Buster Higglesbottom, Executive Director of CLAP and one time Olympic Electronic Penta-Decathelon hopeful. "And it appears that women and children are hardest hit."

Higglesbottom, whose own sports career as an electronic gaming athlete was cut short by a seizure disorder and a severe eye twitch developed during X-Box training for the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games, explained that 3.5 million children are injured playing sports every year and 21% of all traumatic brain injuries occur during organized competitions. More than 18,000 cheerleading and 38,000 dancing injuries occur every year.

"Frankly, we have our doubts about these findings," said NIKE Company spokesperson Alicia Tredwear, when questioned on the impact of the study on sales of the company's shoes. "Besides, I don't think most people who wear our product actually participate in sports."

While the sports community at large remains skeptical of the CLAP Report, it has been embraced by the American Film Institute, the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences, the Recording Industry Association of America, Google, Yahoo, Nintendo and manufacturers of high definition televisions.



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