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Press Corps Target of Mystery Powder
WASHINGTON DC -- Early this morning, the White House Press Room Mr. Coffee was cordoned off with yellow crime scene tape, stretched to the breaking point by the press of reporters jostling for
position to get the story on the mysterious yellow powder feared to be a biological attack against some of America's most well know news personalities.
"This is really kind of scary, Katie," said a clearly shaken David Gregory when asked by
host Katie Couric how he felt about being the target of terrorists. "At first I thought it was just a prank among professional colleagues -- you know, tainted Creamora, kind of like don't eat the yellow snow -- but when I saw Bill Plante bolt out of the room, hurdling Helen Thompson in a single leap . . . I was taken aback, to say the least."
In a strange twist, CNN reported that the substance was preliminarily identified as crushed up twenty milligram Ritalin tablets. Peter Arnett, former CNN correspondent, told Wolf Blitzer in an interview that he once over heard Brigadier General Vincent Brooks venting to CENTCOM Commander Tommy Franks that from the stupid, repetitive questions he was getting, all the reporters covering Operation Iraqi Freedom must be suffering from ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). Arnett insisted unnamed Pentagon sources revealed that Franks later passed that information on to CIA Headquarters in Langley, Virginia, which presented the information to Vice President Dick Cheny during a routine national security briefing, who perking up at the news, later signed off on CIA domestic action plan against the White House reporters who had recently been harping incessantly on potential improprieties with government contract awards to his former employer, Haliburton.
"Oh great, just what this room needs, more dopamine," teased Ari Fleischer, White House Press Secretary, as he greeted a somewhat subdued and oddly well-mannered press corps from the podium later that day, shortly after the suspect Mr. Coffee Machine was replaced with a brand new FilterFresh model.
Fleischer faced semi-tough questioning regarding the growing region of the beans used in the machine, whether Vice President Cheny had stock holdings in
Filter Fresh Coffee Service, Inc., and whether Sweet and Low tasted more like real sugar than Equal, but, curiously, no further inquiries about the accusations of the CIA drugging of the Fourth Estate were made during the session.
NBC Reporter Norah O'Donnell had no comment on the incident.
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