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Explosive IQ Tests

WASHINGTON DC -- Senator Fritz "Kingfish" Tweed, vocal critic of the Bush Administration's policy in Iraq, called for immediate IQ testing on the Pentagon's arsenal of so-called "smart bombs" after errant munitions destroyed his SUV while parked at the Tweed family compound just west of the Limbaugh Bombing Range at Waanker Air Force Base.

"You all have blown up my fishing cabin, my boat, my dock and now my car," exclaimed a clearly flustered and frustrated Tweed during the testimony of Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman General Richard B. Meyers before the Senate Armed Forces Committee. "As far as I can tell, them bombs are about as sharp as a sack full of wet mice."

Besides the series of yet unexplained collateral damage incidents, the Tweed Family compound, located just outside the Gila Bend section of the bombing range, has been a focal point of both local and national politics, from family touch football games to the notorious "Fish Hook" incident involving then Representative Tweed and a young female campaign worker who mysteriously ended up getting an emergency "D and C" procedure at Calabash Memorial Hospital for a reported spin casting accident.

Tweed has been relentless in his criticism of the administration's foreign policy and one of the harshest critics of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld's handling of the Iraq war, throughout the Presidential campaign and in major policy speeches since George W. Bush's re-election. Just days before the destruction of his Chevy Suburban, Tweed had called for the resignation of Rumsfeld in a speech at the Johns' Hopkins School of International Studies.

Pentagon officials scoff at any possible connection between the Senator's speech and the bombing.

"While we are reviewing video tape and auditing Bomb Damage Assessment Reports of the alleged incident, we maintain the utmost confidence in the quality of our weapons systems and in the high proficiency levels of our air crews," said Rumsfeld at a press conference yesterday when asked about Tweed's accusations. "I must say, though, that I have seen the Proficiency Test Reports and, frankly, when it comes to smarts, I'd put one of our GBU-32 JDAMS up against any ninth grader in the Calabash County Unified School District."

Local fisherman, Orley Bovine, who witnessed the explosion while angling for large mouth bass in the area, claimed the F-15 Eagle pilot performed a victory roll following impact.



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