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Microsoft to Acquire Thanksgiving
REDMOND -- In a surprise move, software behemoth Microsoft announced its intention to acquire the Thanksgiving holiday from the federal government and Federated
Department Stores, Inc., in a unique three-way stock and cash transaction estimated to total nearly $12.4 billion, which the company claims will provide great benefits to small and midmarket customers, allowing them to be more competitive, agile and productive.
"Hey, if the Vatican can have their own holidays, why can't we have one or two of our own?" said Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer at a press conference held to announce the deal, fueling speculation that the Redmond gargantuan may not be satiated with just a single branded date on the calendar. "Besides, everyone in the world should get down on their knees and give thanks to Bill Gates for all he has done for computing, for business, for society and for mankind. He just never gets any respect."
Internet chat rooms have been buzzing with speculation that the failure of Microsoft's Special Operations Development Group in India to come up with a viable, bug free holiday for American consumers led to the acquisition move. Insider sources have also leaked reports of Chairman and Chief Software Architect Bill Gate's outward impatience with and anger towards the Gregorian calendar, which he blames for the company's well reported software release date slippages.
"I'm taking a wait and see approach to this thing," cautioned local Stock Broker, Buck Bilge. "I think they could do great things, especially with that parade, but if it's not handled right, it could end up being another turkey, like BOB."
Since the computer software giant currently owns no national or international holidays, little opposition is expected from the Federal Trade Commission or the Justice Department due to monopolistic considerations, though retailers nationwide are expressing concern over the company's overt intrusion into what is the traditional kick-off of the critical Christmas consumer buying season.
"They may be the five hundred pound gorilla in cyberspace," said S. Robson Walton, Chairman of the Board of Wal-Mart Stores, Inc., "But this is my neighborhood that boy is messing with and we ain't gonna just lie down and take it."
Democratic Congressmen and Presidential candidates, led by West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd, were also quick to express outrage at the deal the Bush Administration cut with big business, which they claim will hurt the nation's poor, women and children, the hardest.
"They are selling off our American heritage," decried Byrd during a speech on the Senate floor, "And it makes me and my dog Billie, so, so sad."
It is unclear whether the holiday will be renamed Thanksgiving XP or remain serialized by year, like previous versions of the company's flagship product, Windows.
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