Go to News Headlines
Chumwater Challenge Chucked
MUDCAT FALLS -- In a move that stunned most legal experts and observers, Judge Aristotle Needlemensch refused to throw out Porky Chumwater's lawsuit against McDonald's corporation for damages to his career, finances and health suffered from a life long consumption of fast food, in particular his favorite, the artery-clogging Big Mac.
"Of course, we are very disheartened by the court's decision, but we will prevail in this matter," said company spokesman, Earl Suppleheintz. "It is simply not our fault that the plaintiff stuffed himself like a pinata with three or four burgers at a sitting. After all, the recommended serving size is one."
Chumwater's career as a national bassmaster competitor came to an end when his weight ballooned beyond the limit of sanctioned bass boats causing a sinking and the near drowning of his long time bait caddy, Harold "Happy" Triptafyn, during the 1996 Citgo Bass Masters Nationals at Lake Eufaula, Alabama.
The angler has only recently been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, discovered as he underwent Recovered Memory Therapy, during which it was revealed that, as a child of only five years old, Chumwater was ritualistically abused by his parents during satanic rituals involving the forced ingestion of Big Macs to fatten him up.
"It is a particularly troubling and tragic case," said Gunther Uberflassen, Chumwater's therapist and Adjunct Professor of Psychology at Mudcat Falls Community College. "Typically the uncovered abuse revolves around a sexual theme, but in this case, it appears that the elder and Mrs. Chumwater were practicing cannibals, having been rather, rabid fans of Rory Calhoun's performance in
, as well as individuals rather susceptible to the powers of Madison Avenue advertising, in particular the melodies of Barry Manilow jingles."
Recovered "memories" generally start as images that appear during intense therapy -- often after months of searching the client's past. Suggestive techniques like hypnosis, guided imagery, or simply the imagining of abusive events are often used. These images often later coalesce into what feel like memories. They seem to be accurate recollections of childhood sexual abuse.
Suppleheitz released a white paper prepared by Hamburger University which sought to establish False Memory Syndrome as "Junk Science" and included a time line showing that while Chumwater's memories of events as a five-year-old would have had to have occurred during 1963, the first Big Mac was not served until 1967 at a Pittsburgh franchise owned by Jim Delligati, and was not put into nationwide distribution until 1968.
"Don't fall for this cheesy attempt to rewrite history," shouted Chumwater's attorney, Steve Dallas. "We will bust that myth when we cross examine Ronald McDonald on the stand. You don't think the founder of this evil corporate giant was named 'Kroc' for nothing do you?"
The trial is scheduled to be carried live on Court TV. Needlemensch's law clerk denied the broadcast was a factor in the judge's decision.
Go to News Headlines