Go to News Headlines


MUDCAT FALLS -- In a strongly worded letter to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, renowned local thespian and political activist, Digby Dalhaber expressed his outrage on behalf of CLAP or the Calabash League of Activists for Peace, claiming their first amendment rights to free speech are being willfully and gleefully trampled by the Pentagon, John Ashcroft and George Bush, as well as demanding $1,273.38 reimbursement for audiologist and dry cleaning fees.

"Huh? No, I think I'm deaf. Huh? Say what?" commented Dalhaber after CLAP's protest of the Limbaugh Bombing Range at nearby Waanker Air Force Base was disrupted by military war games and exercises. "Huh? I -- huh? What? Huh?"

Inspired by the closing of the U.S. Navy's Vieques Bombing Range in Puerto Rico, CLAP's self proclaimed "Mother of All Protests" promised to be a massive turn-out of celebrities and politicos to shut down one of the military's most active practice facilities. After only one day, though, the sit-in evaporated in panic when a C-130 Hercules cargo plane dropped what is called a Massive Ordinance Air Blast munition, a 21,000 pound "bunker buster," in close proximity to protesters who had ill advisedly gathered in lawn chairs next to a chain link fence at the perimeter of the Gila Bend section of the target area.

Long delays were later reported at the Calabash County Regional Airport, as a long line of Gulfstream G-4s and Leajets waited for departure clearances to take a who's who of show business home, including Martin Sheen, Sean Penn, Susan Sarandon, Edward James Olmos and Al Sharpton.

"Aw, did the itty-bitty boom-boom scare the Little Rascals crowd?" smirked Rumsfeld in response to a press conference question from Entertainment Tonight's Jann Carl. "I would, indeed, imagine that laundry hampers all across Beverly Hills are, today, filled with soiled drawers."

The Limbaugh Bombing Range had recently been the center of controversy, when Mayor Milo Cathcart of Pistol Creek Junction nearly succeeded in signing a $1.00 a year lease agreement with the Air Force for a range expansion to include the entire Mudcat Falls city limits as part of the facility.

"It's not like we can't hear them all night long as it is," commented Mudcat Falls City Councilman Sorrell Needlemensch. "I don't want to appear weak on defense, but it would be nice to get a break every once in a while from the 'sounds of freedom' screaming overhead all the time."

A want ad quickly appeared to find a replacement for Dalhaber's spot appearing with Bimini Gambflugel in their Donnie and Marie Revival and Laser Light Show, which has played to rave reviews at community centers, churches, fairgrounds and gymnasiums up and down the river for miles.

"He's stone cold deaf," explained Gambflugel. "That might be okay if we were doing rap music, but these are the classics."



Go to News Headlines