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Pizza Wars Heat Up

MUDCAT FALLS -- In a throw back to the bootlegging days of old Chicago, the pizza delivery business has gone "to the mattresses" this summer in a cut throat competition for ruling the turf of Mudcat Falls in pursuit of the lucrative drunken college student business which is set to kick into high gear with the start of the fall semester later this month.

"They blew up my car, man!" exclaimed a Santino's Pizza Shop deliveryman who requested anonymity. "They just blew up my freaking car! There was sauce and pepperoni and sausage and mozzarella and anchovies and dog guts everywhere, man! They killed that lady's poodle who ordered the deluxe with extra cheese. I'm outa here, man."

Santino's is a family run carry out and delivery in the Barleycorn District of downtown Mudcat Falls specializing in thick crust pies. The shop, which proudly proclaims in neon "We Have a Pizza You Can't Refuse," has felt the pressure as Dandy Don's Pizzeria in nearby Pistol Creek Junction recently intensified efforts to expand into their market with thin crust pizzas, heavy couponing and a somewhat disturbing phone greeting: "Either your brains or our toppings will be on your next pizza."

"They already have Pistol Creek State University in their pocket," said embattled owner Sonny Sallozzo. Why can't that goomba just leave us alone with what little community college business we have here in Mudcat Falls? He's gonna get a Santino's 'special delivery' he don't stop soon."

Dandy Don's owner, Vito Tattaglia was unavailable for comment.

The pizza business is said to top $32 billion per year, with Americans consuming 100 acres of pizza per day at a rate of 350 slices per second. Reports of za-jackings, order pouching, deliveryman disappearances and car bombings have literally exploded since mid-July.

While Sheriff Atticus W. Moosejowl has been uncharacteristically quiet regarding the escalating violence within his jurisdiction, a recent joint MFTHPPPGT/MFTV I-Team investigation discovered numerous discarded Dandy Don's pizza boxes in the dumpster behind the Calabash County jail.



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