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Wide Bodies Crash at Waanker

MUDCAT FALLS -- A Boeing 747 crashed yesterday at Waanker Air Force Base after making a hard landing. The wide-body jet, part of the Jenny Craig corporate fleet, was reportedly carrying executives from the Carlsbad, California based company to a classified military briefing.

"She looked kind of tail heavy comin' in," drawled Captain A. Gavin Byrd, who flies F-16 Wild Weasels for the Air Force. "It was just a wallowin' on down the glide slope like a hog on ice and then -- WHAAM."

Investigators from the National Transportation Safety Board are studying the crash scene to come up with answers.

"Often, the first guess is not correct and, presently, we just don't know who was on board at the time of the accident," said NTSB member Earl 'Five Alarm' Chilly. "So, we're not going to guess. We're going to focus on facts and science and data. As for right now, we'll just have to wait until we receive the flight manifest to check aircraft weight and balance"

Jenny Craig, Inc. is one of the largest weight management service companies in the world. The Company offers a proven, comprehensive program that, through sound nutrition and simple activity, helps clients achieve the balance necessary for optimal weight loss and personal well-being.

The Pentagon offered no explanation for the meeting with the executives, though, unnamed Waanker sources say the company has long expressed interest in the classified, anti-gravity research and experiments conducted at the base's super secret Area 54.

Neither the company nor the Air Force would either confirm or deny whether Jenny Craig spokeswoman, advocate against obesity and sitcom star of Showtime's Fat Actress, Kirstie Alley, was on the 747 when it crashed.



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