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ACLU Sues Self Over Non-Nativity Scene
MUDCAT FALLS -- A splinter group of the Mudcat Falls chapter of the American Civil Liberties Union filed suit against itself for violations of the U.S. Constitution's
Establishment Clause. Official court documents, filed yesterday with the Calabash County Clerk of Courts, allege that the ACLU's previous lawsuit which forced Mudcat Falls city officials to remove a nativity scene from the grounds of the Soldiers' & Sailors' Memorial in town square, represents government imposition of religious beliefs upon the citizens of Mudcat Falls.
"The nothingness that now stands for all to see in the middle of our great city's downtown is nothing more than a shrine to the religion of existentialism established by the United States government in cahoots with the American Civil Liberties Union," said the plaintiff's attorney, Steve Dallas. "This conspiracy to raise secular humanism to an ascendent position above all other religions, by an act of government is a direct violation of the First Amendment to the constitution."
The lawsuit was filed on behalf of local man, Peety Doolhack, who claims the complete lack of any decorations on the town square during the Christmas season offended the
sensibilities of his fraternal twins Pixie and Trixie, creating extreme emotional distress over the government promotion of nihilism over Christianity. "You see what this here quarter says? 'In God We Trust.' My Pixie and my Trixie believe in the baby Jesus and Santa Claus, not some sort of communist-socialist-fascist bull crap based on a hair-brained bureaucratic interpretation of Frederich Neitzche. My girls been traumatized, by gum, down-right traumatized. They have nightmares about supermen instead of visions of sugar plums."
"Well, ain't that rich," responded Sapphire Silby, the ex-Mrs. Doolhack. "He ain't seen them girls since last year's fish fry. And he still owes me forty-two hundred dollars in child support."
'This suit is a fascist conservative sham, financed by the Republican party and the Christian Coalition, who won't be happy until they can ban all the dancing in town, just like
," declared Clinton Svinktaogle, appearing on behalf of the ACLU. "While we are not used to sitting on the defendant's side of the court room, I vow that we will fight this all the way to the Supreme Court. That dirty renegade Dallas is nothing more than a Spinoza-loving, closet monist who wants nothing more than to take away a woman's right to choose, starve school children by stealing their lunches for himself and pollute the beloved sun-dappled river whose babbling flow gurgles beside this very temple of the law to tickle the ears of lady justice."
"We have included numerous passages from Jean-Paul Sartre's
Being and Nothingness
in our brief, paired with excerpts from ACLU pronouncements and court filings to demonstrate the
existential grounding of that organization and their on-going judicial efforts to pre-empt the religion of our founding fathers," said Dallas. "It doesn't take an
Olympic-sized 'leap of faith' to put two and two together here. Besides, anyone who knows me knows that since the age of three I've been a devotee of Hegel. I say, bring it on Svinktaogle, let the didactic games begin."
"I ain't never quoted Shakespeare in my entire political career," noted Mayor Archibald Alabaster III, when queried on his opinion regarding the ACLU's recent schizoid behavior in public. "But this does seem to be much ado about nothin'."
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