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Alien Policies Protested

MUDCAT FALLS -- Edwina Tang's recent tale of abduction by aliens drew national attention from UFOlogists and abduction researchers, including Donald Worley and Lynn Taylor, but it also raised the ire of the ACLU and civil rights organizational. The ACLU, Rainbow/PUSH and the NAACP have petitioned the U.S. Justice Department to review what they say is a "blatant and willful pattern of racial discrimination" in the final frontier, Space.

"Who drove the Enterprise? William Shatner, not Lieutenant O'Hura. Who saved the universe and married the princess in Star Wars? Harrison Ford, not Lando Calrissian -- and who was the bad guy? James Earl Jones. And who got the cute little alien pet in ET? Drew Barrymore, not Halle Berry," sermonized Dr. Jackson Selma Montgomery, Jr., preacher at the Southside Baptist Church and second generation local civil rights leader. "Enough is enough already. We took on those Nips at Mitsubishi and we're not afraid of no Federation or Empire or anything."

Tang claims to have been taken from her home in the Spider Rapids Trailer Park and made the subject of medical experiments by a team of "grays' aboard their spacecraft. Most UFOlogists have classified her experience as a Close Encounter of the Fourth Kind on the J. Allen Hynek Scale, though noted Harvard psychiatrist Dr. John Mack has pushed it up to the Fifth Kind -- "Communication between a human and an alien" -- based on Tang's sworn affidavit that during the wait between invasive medical procedures she swapped pie recipes with an alien medical orderly named Mona.

"Why is it that alien abductees are nearly always of the same white trash hue and of the same skin-head creed?" postulated Clinton Svinktaogle, President of the local American Civil Liberties Union, at a press conference. "We must take the steps now to assure that in the future the flag that waves over outer space is not the Stars and Bars of the Confederacy."

Although a Roper survey commissioned by UFOlanthropist Robert Biegelow estimates that as many as four million Americans may have been abducted by aliens, most reputable scientists agree that over the past 35 years, the actual number of abductees is approximately 800,000 world wide. Of those abductees, less than one-half of one percent, or 4,000, have been identified as African-American. The U.S. Census bureau estimates the non-white population of United States is 28%.

The Civil Rights Division of the Justice Department of Justice had no official comment on the request drafted by Svinktaogle, though unnamed sources revealed that subpoenas and search warrants are being prepared for Amblen Entertainment, DreamWorks and Industrial Light and Magic.

"We make movies, not real life, or faked life or whatever those abduction incidents are. I mean our movies are fiction," said a Skywalker Ranch spokesperson. "Sure we're filthy rich, but we're the good guys -- and we don't discriminate. Honest. You know, may the force be with you and all."

Tang won first prize for her Milky Way pie at this year's Calabash County Fair and her recipe is now being analyzed by government chemists of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, the National Institute of Health and the Food and Drug Administration.



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