Go to News Headlines

Local Man Sues TimeWarner

MUDCAT FALLS -- Local resident Screed Mullins filed suit against TimeWarner at the Calabash County Courthouse seeking unspecified damages for alleged neglect, abuse and mental cruelty.

"I bin on this har earth for pert near eighty-five years," said the eighty-four year old Mullins, "And I ain't yet had my fifteen minutes of fame. My lawyer says my doctor says I ain't got much time left."

Time Warner Inc. is the world's leading media and entertainment company, whose businesses include filmed entertainment, interactive services, television networks, cable systems and publishing.

"Not one single solitary mention of this man ever in Time, Sports Illustrated, Field and Stream, Salt Water Sportsman, Progressive Farmer, Southern Accents -- nor on CNN, TNT, TBS, HBO, the WB or America On-Line," said Mullins's attorney, Steve Dallas. "This is worse than identify theft. This is cybercide."

While a company spokesman refused to comment on the pending litigation, R.E. "Ted" Turner, TimeWarner Board Member and founder of Turner Broadcasting System, Inc., exclaimed to reporters, "The United States has got some of the dumbest people in the world. I want you to know that we know that."

A search of Lexis-Nexis, Google and Ask Jeeves, produced absolutely no references or links to Mullins.

"Inner nut? What the hell's is that?" Mullins responded when queried regarding his nonexistence on the world wide web.



Go to News Headlines