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Taking It to the Streets
MUDCAT FALLS -- In a scene not seen since the day Al Cowling drove O.J. to surrender to authorities, the entire Calabash County road system was clogged worse than the arteries of renowned hamburger muncher J. Wellington Wimpy, when 78 year-old farmer Grit Gizzerd led the Sheriff's Department, the entire Special Agent roster of the Pistol Creek Junction F.B.I.
office, every single State Highway Post 11 cruiser, a platoon of Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms investigators, a gaggle of GS-11s from the Environmental Protection Agency, an army of Agriculture Department Agronomists and uncounted, unidentified personnel from the U.S. Department of Homeland Security, on an agonizingly slow speed chase as he motored his John Deer tractor up and down county highways and byways in protest of a recent Federal Circuit Court injunction preventing him from harvesting his soy bean crop.
According to an unnamed, unseen DHS official who spoke through a crack at the top of the tinted window of his Chevy Suburban during a potty stop at a local Speedway, government intelligence sources have been reporting credible evidence of a potential terrorist attack in the area for some time now. In fact, the source revealed exclusively to this publication that, unbeknownst to local officials and the population at large, the entire county had been under "Double Secret" Condition Red Threat Level for three weeks prior to Gizzerd's pulling the throttle on his beloved John Deer and heading for the open highway.
Terrorist experts expressed concerned because Gizzerd had attached to his tractor a Red Ball 680 High Clearance, High Capacity Sprayer with a Henschen Suspension System. Although MSNBC, CNN and Fox News all reported the contents of the sprayer tanks were suspected to contain anthrax, later tests found only trace amounts of diazinon.
"You bet we took Mr. Gizzerd to court and sued," said
EPA Regional Administrator-at-Large, Dirk Pensildeek when asked to justify his department's actions. "The Murrow North American Fallow Field
Cream-Bellied Buck-toothed Left Pawed Warbler Titmouse deserves the full weight and support of the United States Government in its defense to preserve the species continued existence in the face of an overt campaign of faunicide. The Grizzerd farm was the last known habitat for this invaluable national resource in Calabash County."
"It's a freaking rat, for crying out loud," said Gizzerd upon his capture when he fumbled for change while stopped at a toll booth on the Hope Memorial Bridge. "If my farm was a restaurant, they'd have closed me down for having it. You can't win, I tell ya. You just can't win."
"Damn. I ain't seen nothing like this since the evacuation of Saigon," said Sheriff Atticus W. Moosejowl, commenting on the traffic back up that extended up and down the river for over a hundred miles and mesmerized TV cable news viewers for hours. "Deputy Earl coulda took him out anytime with his Savage 100, but the Feds were in full ninny mode and held us back."
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