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Barmaid Sues Budweiser, Miller

MUDCAT FALLS -- The Barleycorn District is abuzz this morning with the news that Stevie Ray's Blues Club has become the trip wire for what legal scholars agree could be the next big legal industry bonanza. With attorney Steve Dallas at her side, waitress Dahlia Jigglesjohn filed papers for a class action suit against Anheuser Busch, Miller Brewing Company, and Coors Brewing Company, along with at least two hundred other beer companies, seeking nearly one billion dollars in compensatory and punitive damages for injuries caused by her workplace exposure to second hand carbonation.

"The health hazards of second hand smoke are well documented. There are more than four thousand individual compounds identified in tobacco and tobacco smoke," said Dallas as he addressed reporters on the steps of the Calabash County Court House. "Can you even imagine what comes out of the back end of twenty-five feet of intestines when you load it up with fermented hops and barley?"

The adult beverage industry has thus far escaped the assaults of major litigation like those directed at tobacco companies and fast food chains, but the release of a new scientific study by Professor Gunther Uberflassen, Acting Head of the Mudcat Falls Community College Ad Hoc Department of Pre-Med, appears to have reshuffled the deck in the high stakes game of legal five card stud.

"E.B.C. -- or Environmental Beer Carbonation -- is a veritable primordial gumbo of potential carcinogens," professed Uberflassen. "In carefully controlled laboratory and fraternity field experiments, we have identified nearly sixty chemicals that might be carcinogens, tumor initiators, and tumor promoters. If not, we at least suspect that these agents often act as accelerants when combined with the ingredients ingested through hot dogs, cole slaw, chili and burritos, to produce a lethal, not to mention a noxious and invisible killer, the likes of which have not been unleashed upon mankind since the trenches of World War I scarred Western Europe at the beginning of the Twentieth Century.

Although beer induced flatulence has not yet been officially classified by the Environmental Protection Agency, the Occupational Health and Safety Administration (OSHA) or the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health (NIOSH), as a bonifide health hazard, Uberflassen claims to have been inundated with inquiries from lawyers and bureaucrats at the federal, state and local levels.

"Are you kidding me? Of course I'm serious," insisted Jigglesjohn. "Oktoberfest nearly killed me. I'm still having nightmares about it."

Sausage, bean and cabbage producers are said to be following the unfolding events and legal developments in Jigglesjohn's case closely, though Oscar Whormelmier, President of R.K. Meat Packing Company of Pistol Creek Junction, the nation's leading suppliers of hot dogs and bratwurst to public schools, universities, professional sports venues and convenience stores, declined to comment on the law suit.



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