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CIA Fears al Qaeda-Amish Axis

BIRD-IN-HAND -- According to unnamed government sources, the Bush Administration has been briefed by the CIA on a possible connection between two tightly knit religious groups, al-Qaeda and the Amish. The classified report claims that Pennsylvania Dutch Country may well be a hot bed for terrorist sleeper cells.

"As far as the civilized world is concerned, Lancaster County and Tora Bora are in the same zip code," said former CIA Officer and MSNBC News Analyst M.I. Opieyah. "I'm not saying that's where Osama bin Laden is hiding out, but, then again, we haven't found him in Pakistan."

The Amish are divided into dozens of separate and conflicting fellowships. They do not vote, join the military, draw Social Security or accept any form of assistance from the government. Locals scoff at what they call the "fantastic delusions of the English."

Federal agencies are said to be increasingly frustrated in their attempts to investigate and monitor suspicious activities among the religious cult, since wire taps are of no value in communities which do not use electricity or telephones. The Justice Department and Department of Defense have also confirmed a severe shortage of Alemannic German translators.

Democratic legislators, often characterized by Republicans as weak on national security, are calling for impeachment over the President's failure to prevent such a terrorist infestation within U.S. borders.

"The reporting on this topic is not only grossly inaccurate, but scurrilous and we have more important things to concern ourselves with than whether a hijacked horse and buggy will be driven into the Capitol Building," said White House Spokesman Scott McCellan. "As for whether the Capitol grounds would be in danger of being soiled with road apples . . . who could tell?"



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