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Bush Terrorizes Local Students

MUDCAT FALLS -- Calabash-Hoover High School was closed Friday by armed agents of the United States Department of Education, after a raid by Federal forces for alleged violations of the "No Child Left Behind Act of 2001."

After languishing for decades in the educational cellar, Calabash-Hoover High had a rocket rise last year into the top 10 of all high schools state-wide in proficiency testing and graduation rates. A tip from a whistle-blowing honor student, though, raised questions of fraud, waste and abuse at the institution.

"Our investigation uncovered clear evidence of cheating and the falsification of permanent records," said Special Ed Agent-In-Charge, Eliot Noosenbaum. "We had no choice but to act on this information for the good of the children."

An internal D.O.E. memo leaked to the media detailed a thriving black market in "classroom credits" where well-to-do students were reducing their daily schedule footprint by purchasing grade off-sets from geeks and brainiacs.

"All of the sudden I didn't have anyone to tutor any more," said Emily Graemutter, who made the anonymous tip to authorities. "And I was trying to save for a new iMac G5."

The Calabash League of Amalgamated Pedologists union denied any wrong doing on the part of teachers, though the group has long opposed state-wide proficiency testing.

"This jack-booted action is the logical outcome of the Bush Administration's complete incompetence," said local ACLU attorney Clinton Svintaogle, who has been retained by CLAP. "Iraq, Katrina, the Patriot Act, Calabash-Hoover High School -- When will this country wake up and rebel against the new King George?"

The Calabash County Unified School district announced that psychologists would be made available at the Pistol Creek Outlet Mall daily from 11 am to 6 pm to help students deal with the trauma of being the target of a SWAT raid.



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