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Mankind: Guilty of Envirocide
PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- Pistol Creek University Physics brevet professor Ernst Wiccleslip has presented what he believes is indisputable proof of
fingerprints on the murder of Planet Earth.
Candidate Dr. Wiccleslip, who once applied to the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, has rocked the scientific community with his theory of "Global Slowing."
"While there is no question that the earth's rotation has slowed, the rate of deceleration has hastened alarmingly since the dawn of man," warned Wiccleslip, who holds a Master's degree in Science, "And has especially accelerated in the past two
centuries due to the great proliferation of the wheel -- and only one of all Darwin's creatures, our species, makes use of that unique tool."
The Sub-bureau for Rapid Service and Predictions of Earth Orientation Parameters of the International Earth Rotation Service (IERS), located at the US Naval Observatory, monitors the Earth's rotation through a complex system of Very Long Baseline Interferometry coordinated with the Global Positioning System, Satellite laser ranging, and other satellite techniques. Whereas 4.5 billion years ago, the
earth's solar day was a mere 6.5 hours, today the planet has slowed to a leisurely 23.6 hour day.
In the past, the faster rotation caused the Earth's ocean waters to concentrate more in the tropical and subtropical regions, but now those warm waters are quickly moving towards the poles to melt the ice caps.
"The interaction of literally quadrillions of wheels -- on everything from Roman Chariots to Toyota Priuses have exerted a tremendous braking action against the surface of the earth," explained Wiccleslip. "Thanks to Newton's Third Law of Motion, we are now naught but a stuck pig on a slowly rotating spit; hence global warming."
A small, but growing consensus among an expanding minority of scientists, bureaucrats and politicians trending towards a majority appear to validate the urgent call for rolling back, if not banning outright mankind's seminal inventive achievement, which is widely acknowledged as the starting point for advanced human technology.
Predictably, by NASA's refusal to provide grant funding for Wiccleslip's research, the Bush Administration has, again, turned a blind eye to scientific truths.
But stockcar racing legend Brahma Vishnu Percival, formerly known as Fireball Richards, has embraced Wiccleslip's theory and is publicly calling on NASCAR to "Go Green" by reversing the direction of their races.
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