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Global Warming Claims First Human Victim

PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- According to environmental activists, global warming has officially claimed its first human victim, Pistol Creek University Philosophy Professor Fortran Phlatturth, who was found dead in his solarium, purportedly having succumbed to extreme greenhouse effect.

"While the Bush Administration quoth 'nevermore', nature's ravens are coming home to roost," proclaimed Digby Dalhaber, also known as El Dig, guerilla leader of Commandos for the Liberation of an Anguished Planet. "Now that it's Americans instead of polar bears that are being killed by our raping of the planet, I believe the good people of this country will finally wake up and demand action, before we ourselves slide down the slippery slope to extinction."

El Dig said that CLAP's mobilization to save the planet will make the Sixties look like "child's play."

Phlatturth was popular with students for his unorthodox ontological inquiries which were often scorned by his colleagues as nothing more than Romanesque orgies masquerading as intellectualism.

Although the official cause of death has yet to be released, Calabash County Chief Medical Examiner, Dr. E. Bob Billingsworth disputed the global warming connection.

"Evidently, the good professor got drunk and fell asleep in his hot tub while, ahem, practicing the Socratic method -- if you know what I mean," said Billingsworth. "Basically, what we found was a huge steaming bowl of philosopher noodle soup."




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