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Mudcat Falls Bell Declares War on Canada
MUDCAT FALLS -- In a move that befuddled most Wall Street analysts, the Mudcat Falls Bell Telephone Company was rumored to have declared war on the nation of Canada yesterday after the closing bell on the New York Stock Exchange.
"I have no comment on what might well be regarded as proprietary company plans and business strategies," said Bell Company spokesman Irv Ingrate, Vice President of Public Relations, when queried on the rumor. "A press release will be issued at the appropriate time, if and when there is an appropriate time, regarding any actions taken by M.F. Bell, if and when any such actions may, in fact be taken by M.F. bell. I have nothing further to add at this time."
Numerous other company executives did not respond to inquires left on their voice mails. Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien professed no knowledge of war, yet warned of dire consequences for NAFTA and the National Hockey League season, should hostilities erupt. The United Nations could neither confirm or deny any knowledge of military activity on American's northern border.
Unnamed Pentagon sources claim that the phone company, which has been struggling financially and is said to be under investigation by the SEC for accounting irregularities, has retained unemployed Serbian army regulars as mercenary units which are being marshaled at a remote North Dakota location near Minot on Bell-Con Five high alert, ready to move into Saskatchewan at a moment's notice to seize local telephone poles, central offices and associated lines of communication.
"It's a 'wag the dog' move, clearly," postulated local stock broker, Buck Bilge explained that the move may have been made to counter relentless bad news from the telecomm sector, including the stunning collapse of WorldCom, as well as to distract from the scheduled testimony of company executives at upcoming Congressional hearings. "It worked with World War II for Roosevelt to come out of the depression. It worked with the Tonkin Gulf thing for Johnson to extend the Kennedy boom in the Sixties. And it worked for Clinton with that Sudan aspirin factory to prolong the Decade of Greed. It's a bold move that just might work for them. I'm switching the stock over to my 'Strong Buy' list."
The Mudcat Falls Bell Telephone Company, more commonly referred to as Mo-Fo Bell in tribute to their legendary apathetic customer service, is one of the last vestiges left of the monopolistic Bell system before its break up in the eighties under a Justice Department consent decree. The local company vowed to uphold the standards and attitudes of what was once the nation's second largest bureaucracy
The company's stock price rose in overnight trading on the London and Tokyo stock exchanges.
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