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President Bartlett Stiffs Falls Festival
HOLLYWOOD -- West Wing star, Martin Sheen, has notified the organizers of the annual Mudcat Falls Nuke Em Bass Tournament & Fish Fry Festival that he will not appear as originally promised. A spokesman for the faux President Joshua Bartlett said that he had been mistakenly informed the event was intended to "protest the rape of a pristine river valley and old growth forests by greedy, insensitive capitalistic power utility executive swine."
"We asked if maybe Charlie Sheen could come instead," said Festival promoter Orley Bovine. "He would have been a lot more fun anyway -- and he knows Heather Locklear, too -- but I guess he's busy or something."
Sheen the elder, whose Hollywood credits include the voice of Captain Willard opposite Marlon Brando's Ben Kurtz, in the most acclaimed rodent movie in the history of cinema, is active in supporting liberal causes.
"Sure I'm disappointed," bemoaned Arlotta McGurdy, high school lunchroom cook and festival deep fryer team leader. "I thought that we were going to have a little touch of Camelot right here in Mudcat Falls for the weekend." McGurdy vowed that no-show Sheen would not spoil her regular Wednesday evening viewing enjoyment. "I voted for him in 2000 and I'll vote to re-elect him. He's doing a good job."
The Mudcat Falls Nuke Em Bass Tournament and Fish Fry Festival originated when local sportsmen discovered that the warm waters near the Tornado Alley Nuclear Reactor upstream of Mudcat Falls had become a natural gathering place for numerous species of aquatic life, most notably large and small mouth bass.
"Bring em on," taunted last year's winner, Rodney Slackjaw. "Them Hollywood types might have lots of money and fancy rigs, but I grew up here and I know this river like the back of my hand. I been fishing in the shadow of that cooling tower since it's been built. I ain't afraid of him or his agent or Barbara Streisand or nobody no how."
It is unknown whether Sheen had planned to bring a rod and reel to the festival , though the actor's spokesman was quick to assure Mudcat Falls residents that they have a "friend in the Oval Office."
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