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Coma Won't Keep Candidate Down

MUDCAT FALLS -- Despite what doctors warn may become a persistent vegetative state, a spokesman for Democratic hopeful John Fitzgerald Kiltkuff declared that the candidate will not give up his quest to become mayor and pointed to a bump in recent polls as evidence that he can still win the election.

The latest MFTV/MFTHPPPGT tracking poll now shows Kiltkuff with a 3 point lead over incumbent Mayor Archibald Alabaster III in what has been an extremely tight political horse race.

"My opponent's eyes have been fixed and dilated on the issues for over twenty years," said Mayor Alabaster during a recent stump speech before the Calabash County Girl Scouts Jamboree in a bid for the critical estrogen vote. "This city needs a mayor who can do more than assume a prone position on the great challenges facing our citizens today."

With less than two weeks left before voters go to the polls, Kiltkuff was tragically struck down during a campaign stop at Lock and Dam #19 by a snapping turtle, which apparently slipped from the clutches of a hungry osprey and hit him on the head. Rushed to Calabash County Memorial Hospital, he has been unconscious in the intensive care unit ever since.

"I've always said that Mayor Alabaster is brain dead, so now this is a fair fight," bellowed Councilman Sorrell Needlemensch, who delivered a substitute speech for Kiltkuff at the Big River Taxidermists Convention in the Kuno Banquet Room at the Mudcat Falls River Front Holiday Inn seeking to shore up support with hunters and gun owners. "This tragic incident is just the latest evidence of the total incompetence of the Alabaster Administration. Under his bumbling leadership, even our precious wildlife has been mismanaged to the point where our noble, beloved eagles are incapable of doing their job and young chicks go to bed hungry at night."

Democrats were quick accuse Republicans of dirty campaign tricks, suppressing the black vote, and snookering senior citizens. Local filmmaker Ed Kick, whose documentary Catch 9-22 was highly critical of Mayor Alabaster, claimed the turtle dropping was no accident, pointing to the fact that the Saudi royal family members are well known as falconers.

"What message does this send to black voters?" asked Dr. Jackson Selma Montgomery, Jr., preacher at the Southside Baptist Church and second generation local civil rights leader. "It says that if you vote something will fall on your head and kill you and it means Alabaster and his cronies are shamefully trying to steal this election."

At a rally the day after his Kiltkuff's diagnosis, Mayor Alabaster accepted his opponent's recent challenge to a fourth debate as vocal supporters chanted "four more years" and "D-N-R".



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