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EPA Raids Planned Parenthood

PISTOL CREEK -- Confusion reigns in the wake of an Environmental Protection Agency SWAT team's raid on the Pistol Creek offices of Planned Parenthood with guns drawn late yesterday afternoon for violations of Section 404 of the Clean Water Act. The clinic remains closed today as government officials at the federal, state and local levels attempt to sort through a tangled web of conflicting statutes, regulations and Supreme Court case-law.

"This is a travesty wrought by a renegade mid-level, brain-dead, born-again zealotracious bureaucrat," screeched Hillary Hickums, Chairperson of the Committee for Legalized Abortion Protection. "I didn't even know Christians could legally work for the EPA because of the First Amendment separation of church and state."

Late last year, upon the closing of the mandated comment period for a Notice of Proposed Rule Making, regulations, supported by environmental advocacy groups, including Conservationists for Leaving Alone the Planet, went into effect officially designating intra-uterine waterways status as federally protected wetlands, thus making any act which causes damage and destruction to those ecosystems a crime.

"Man, I thought they were talking about, you know, canals and rivers and streams and stuff," said Digby Dahlhaber, Coordinating Director of the environmental CLAP. "Who would have figured they were talking about the womb. Really? That's, like, crazy -- you know?"

The family planning CLAP has called the regulatory activity which precipitated the raid a devious back door attempt to outlaw abortion by the Christian League for Abortion Prohibition, which they accuse of having secretly planted an evangelical mole within the agency.

"I must say that I am sorely conflicted that EPA officials would equate a woman's reproductive system with a swamp," said Reverend Arnold Dieselspiel, minister at the Riverside Charismatic Episcopal Church of the Sacred Sunrise and leader of the religious CLAP. "But if it saves one innocent life, well, then, who am I to question God's will or the wisdom of the United States government?"

Planned Parenthood of Pistol Creek has been ordered to pay a $100,000.00 fine for abortions performed since the regulations went into effect. It is unclear what environmental remediation or restoration the EPA would be able to impose on the organization. Hickums did not know when the clinic will be allowed to reopen.

Regina McCarthy, Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency, declined to comment on an "active investigation," though a spokesperson for her office said, "this sounds like the kind of policy we would have inherited from George W. Bush."

The regulations in question were implemented in 2013, during President Obama's second term.



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