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Bubble Ban a Dickens for School

MUDCAT FALLS -- Calabash County Unified School District Administrators now find themselves under siege from Health Department officials as well as the ACLU, parents and vendors as they scramble to comply with a federal judge's court order to institute a "preservative free zone" at Charles Dickens Elementary School.

Judge Basil Luftweiner's landmark ruling, the first of its kind in the United States, came in response to a lawsuit filed by the ACLU on behalf of local bubble boy Will Knott, whose mother has fought for years to have her son mainstreamed in the public school system.

"First it was the ban on peanut butter, then dairy products and now this," sighed Principal Chick L. Gruber. "The current legal climate really makes it quite difficult to properly administer a federally mandated school lunch program, which means we are at risk to lose our Department of Education funding."

Arlotta McGurdy, Board Certified Cafeteria Culinologist, had appropriated a section of the schoolyard playground to set up mini feedlots, chicken coups and slaughterhouses in order to assure a supply of unprocessed, unadulterated meats and meat by-products. Unfortunately, neighborhood complaints of foul odors emanating from the schoolyard led to Health Department inspections and violations for unsanitary conditions due to the presence of animal feces and meat packing facility waste, which have indefinitely halted McGurdy's activities.

Unnamed government sources claim the playground rendering operation was the direct cause of the recent forty-six percent rise in absenteeism at the elementary school, although bubble boy Knott has not yet missed a day of school since starting the second grade following Luftweiner's order earlier this year.

Late yesterday afternoon, RK Meat Packing of Pistol Creek Junction, one of the nation's leading suppliers of hot dogs to public schools, universities, professional sports venues and convenience stores, served the School District with legal papers claiming breech of contract for halting deliveries of their products for the school lunch program.



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