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Mc-Muf-fyn Tragedy Strikes Local Girl
PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- At the insistence of Mayor Archibald Alabaster III, officials from the U.S. Department of Agriculture will be meeting today in Pistol Creek Junction with executives from R.K. Meat Packing Company and Calabash County Fair 4-H Judges in an attempt to determine how last year's prize winning hog of Mudcat Falls teenager Maggy Walloswill could have mistakenly been slaughtered and sold. Muffy, a blue ribbon Hampshire pictured at right (fourth from aisle in the far right hand pen), was last seen frolicking on the family farm with thirty-two of her brothers and sisters three weeks ago this past Thursday. Since her disappearance, friends and family members have been searching the shoulders of local roadways with dread until an anonymous tip led to the doorsteps of R.K. Meat Packing.
"Hampshires are highly prized for their lean, meaty carcass," said U.S.D.A. Chief Inspector Clooslow. "Once our district office was notified of the disappearance, we immediately sprang into action and issued a 'Charlotte Alert' to help track down the possible purloined porcine, which we believe ultimately helped to develop the information that led us to R.K. Meats. At this time, one of the 4-H judges has officially been designated a 'person of interest' for purportedly receiving payments from R.K. to scout for prime livestock to feed their lines while performing his duties at the Calabash County Fair."
The judge in question, Louie Francois-LaFarge, was unavailable for comment, but his mother denied any involvement in the suspected conspiracy through the screen door of her mobile home. The Calabash County 4-H has placed Francois-LaFarge on administrative leave and will not comment on an open and on-going investigation.
"We are cooperating fully with the U.S.D.A., the Calabash County 4-H and Mayor Alabaster's office," said Oscar Whormelmier, President of R.K. Meat Packing Company, at a hastily arranged news conference in the company parking lot beside his Lincoln Towncar. "We would just like to assure the public that, as far as we can ascertain at this time, there is simply no evidence that Muffy will be found in the meat counters of area grocery stores or butcher shops."
Farm Scene Investigators have been carefully collecting forensic evidence, including hoof prints, DNA, hair samples and a trail of bar code readings that have confirmed
Whormelmier's contention that Muffy was not butchered and wholesaled for individual family home consumption. Preliminary FSI test results indicate the victim was processed into Canadian Bacon for use on popular breakfast sandwiches in the New England states of Vermont, Maine and, ironically enough, New Hampshire. Carpet fibers have also been linked to a salesman's company Ford Taurus in western Ohio, which has led to suspicions that portions of her blue ribbon hide may find their way into NFL or NCAA footballs. An FSI team is currently enroute to Wapakoneta to investigate further.
"The outpouring of support for our little Maggie has been overwhelming, especially from the legal community," said her father, P.J. Walloswill, "but she is nearly inconsolable. Mr. Whormelmier offered our family free meat for the rest of our lives, but the thought of her darling pet spinning on a spit or crammed into a can of Spam or stuffed into a hot dog bun haunts her at night. He probably doesn't even realize that Muffy was getting bulked up to audition for the next 'Other White Meat' ad campaign."
R.K. Meat Packing Company is one of the nation's leading suppliers of hot dogs to public schools, universities, professional sports venues and convenience stores. The Calabash County Unified School District purchased over 80 tons of hot dogs during the last school year. Neither the U.S.D.A. nor Whormelmier would comment on the
prospect of Muffy-tainted wieners.
Chancellor Emil Ferritt has joined with local street vendor, Malachek Walsplat, to declare a moratorium on all hot dog sales at Mudcat Falls Community College sporting events and Hunkpapas baseball games, until a final determination has been made that any and all traces of Muffy have been "purged from the system."
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