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The Mother of All Studies

CINCINNATI -- The Taft Institute, a nonpartisan think tank, has released a comprehensive study of studies, which concludes that study results may be hazardous to your health and calls for warning labels to be placed on all report covers.

"Every 5.7 seconds, a new scientific study is released around the world, which totals over nine billion studies conducted during just the past fifty years alone," said Taft Institute Fellow and Mudcat Falls Community College Adjunct Professor Gunther Uberflassen. "Approximately sixty-two percent of these works were produced in the United States, which equals nineteen studies for each man, woman and child in this country alone."

The Taft Institute report goes on to characterize over seventy-three percent of all study conclusions as "apocalyptic" or hypothesizing some dire consequence as a result of the activity or condition examined. Additionally, that seventy-three percent of all studies receives nearly ninety-seven percent of all media coverage, which triggers a so-called "megaphone effect."

"The bottom line is that an unbearable tonnage of bad news is piled upon the world population -- and particularly upon our citizens -- day in and day out, which is taking its toll," warned Uberflassen. "Besides the crushing psychological effect, which we conclude is largely responsible for nearly every modality of the aberrant behavior we witness in modern society, we have found it even to be a significant source of global warming."

Uberflassen explained that the stress induced elevation of the breathing rate of a world population of six billion people for even thirty minutes per day would release an estimated tidal volume of over 5 trillion liters of super-heated (98.6 degrees), carbon dioxide rich air per day into the atmosphere.

While not everyone opposes global warming, there has been near universal denouncement of the Taft Institute's findings from academia, non-profit organizations and lobbying groups.



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