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Group Calls for Outcome Based Olympics

BERKELEY -- The Committee for Legislating Athletic Parity is calling for the withdrawal of the United States Olympic Team from the 2006 Winter Olympics in Turin, Italy.

"No one wants us there, trying to impose our will and our way of life on the rest of the world," said CLAP Chairperson Dr. Leon Icepick, professor of Political Science at the University of California. "Our participation in the Olympics and our clumsy attempts to colonize the international sports community by force in order to dominate its precious metals is naught but a thinly veiled extension of and a metaphor for the Bush Administration's imperialistic foreign policies."

While not opposed to sports in the abstract, nerdy sense, the group believes that left unchecked, Team USA's attempts to unilaterally dominate the both the Summer and Winter Olympic awards podiums will only contribute to greater suffering, instability and crisis on a world scale.

In addition, CLAP has presented the International Olympic Committee with a petition reportedly signed by over one billion people world-wide calling for the awarding of non-discriminatory medals made of environmentally friendly, recycled aluminum to all participating athletes.

"The 'Win at All Costs' philosophy, so prevalent in sports makes the individual believe that his or her entire self worth relies on just winning and losing," explained Gunther Uberflassen, Mudcat Falls Community College Adjunct Professor of Psychology, "which leads to emotional abuse, psychological trauma and severe personality disorders and behaviors, such as one might observe in Dennis Rodman, O.J. Simpson or John Rocker."

Previous CLAP petitions calling for the abandonment of score keeping and standings in the World Cup Soccer Matches, the NFL, MLB, all NCAA sporting events, the NBA, NASCAR, the PGA TOUR, the WWE, Little League, Pop Warner Football, the World Darts Federation, the World of Outlaws, the Canadian Curling Association, and the All-Indian Rodeo Cowboys Association, among others, have all been resoundingly rebuked.

Icepick admits the membership is growing increasingly frustrated over CLAP's lack of success in any of their initiatives for changing modern attitudes towards sports.

"A win or two would sure help moral around the office," admitted Icepick. "Not to mention fund raising."





©2006 MFTHPPPGT




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