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Hunkpapas Lose Big in Court

MUDCAT FALLS -- Although a perennial loser on the diamond, Hustlin' Hunkpapa's ham-handed shortstop Enrico "Bash" Corrigan won in court what has been called the mother of all victories for incompetents and idiots in the United States.

"This verdict will be a landmark decision extending civil rights protections to what is certainly one of the largest oppressed minority groups in the nation," said Corrigan's attorney Steve Dallas. "It will go far towards leveling the playing field between employer and employee, so that big business can no longer discriminate willy-nilly against the hapless in the workplace."

Eighteen months into a seven year contract, the Hunkpapas released Corrigan, citing his league leading 453 fielding errors and .187 batting average as evidence of a level of incompetence unacceptable for a professional baseball player.

In an often confusing battle of psychologists and certified Sabermetrologists, experts who analyze baseball through objective evidence, Dallas convinced a jury that incompetence was a more a disease or mental defect than actions attributable to free will, and as such should be covered by the Americans with Disabilities Act.

"Damn the idiot jury system," exclaimed Hunkpapas team owner Colonel Ichabad Cathcart Angleiron on the courthouse steps. "Of course he won -- he was preaching to the choir. If they could hold down jobs they'd have all been at work."

Angleiron vowed to appeal the verdict and $623 million dollar damage award.

"The outcome of this trial has sent a veritable arctic chill through every corporate boardroom in America," said Casper Cretinhoff, Executive Director of Corporations for Laissez-Faire and Anonymity of Profits. "Those sounds you hear are the thundering hoofs of lawyers stampeding towards our doors and the cratering of corporate profits."

CLAP, along with numerous other pro business groups, plans to file an amicus brief in support of the Hunkpapas.

Herman Long holds the Major League record with 1096 errors in his career between 1889 and 1904. Corrigan was on track to surpass that mark before even the fifth year of his contract with the Hunkpapas.



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