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NCAA Investigates Senior's Death

MUDCAT FALLS -- The NCAA is investigating what may be the first ever reported occurrence of fragging in college football history. The alleged incident took place during the Mudcat Falls Community College Fighting Gourds final game of the season, resulting in the MFCC quarterback, senior Dylan Starr, being carried off the field during the fourth quarter of play after being sacked by his own offensive linemen. Starr was later pronounced dead at Calabash County Memorial Hospital Emergency Room of internal injuries consistent with being crushed by the equivalent of a Steinway Model D Grand Piano dropped from a two story building.

"I ain't sure what exactly happened," said storied Gourds Head Coach Woody Molar at his post game press conference. "I called a 'Red Rider Eighty-eight' play and the next thing I knew we were being flagged for unnecessary roughness on our own player and the umpire was on his cell phone calling 9-1-1."

Starr, who was being heavily recruited by several semi-pro football teams, was nevertheless a somewhat unpopular figure in the locker room, particularly after an interview aired on MFTV during which he referred to his teammates as steriod-bloated, bobble-headed bozos, explaining, "I've spent more time on my back this season than a twenty dollar call girl."

At the time, the Fighting Gourds were driving to score a fourth quarter touchdown which would have given them the lead in the season's final game against the Mount Pilot Peacocks and potentially a record of 2-1-7, for their first overall winning season in over a decade.

"It was weird," said Peacock's all pro linebacker, Lyle "The Assassin" Toejamb. "There was a lot of arguing and finger pointing and drawing in the dirt and stuff going on in the huddle. When they came up to the line, the center told us to 'back off man' and that they'd handle things, so we just kind of stood around and watched their squad throw themselves for a fifteen yard loss."

In addition to the penalties for unsportsman like conduct and unnecessary roughness, the five linemen will be charged with assault with intent to kill, conspiracy to commit murder and first degree murder.

Attorney Steve Dallas, who represents both the Starr family in their wrongful death suit against the NCAA, Rawlings, Merck and MFCC, as well as the offensive linemen for the pending criminal charges, has indicated he will pursue a diminished capacity defense for the players, based upon their ingestion of anabolic steroids and other performance enhancing substances.

"Damn. I ain't seen nothing like it since Nam," said Sheriff Atticus W. Moosejowl after deputies took MFCC jersey numbers 00, 61, 65, 73 and 77 into custody with eight minutes, thirty seven seconds remaining on the game clock. Pandemonium ensued shortly thereafter and the Fighting Gourds were forced to forfeit the game after fans stormed the field and tore down the goal posts. It was unclear whether the demonstration was in protest of the penalty flag or out of mistaken jubilation that the Gourd's season was finally over.

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2003 MFTHPPPGT




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