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They've Fallen & Can't Get Up

MUDCAT FALLS -- Bette Jo Latrino, the Director of Leisure Activities at the Riverside Senior Citizens Center, and her summer college student intern, have been suspended without pay pending an investigation by state Medicare officials into last Saturday afternoon's recreation program, which apparently involved a series of X-Game competitions for the elderly.

"What in God's name were they thinking?" wondered harried Calabash County Hospital ER doctor, Vingh Ram Ghandi, who was on duty as the casualties were brought in. "Do they not know that gravity is terribly, terribly unkind to senior citizens?"

The idea for the "Ka-Boom Falls Jam" originated with student intern Hack Plinkster, an apparently charismatic Pistol Creek University Sophomore and avid skateboarder, who allegedly saw the organization and promotion of these local games as a stepping stone to boost his career, following in the footsteps of his idol, Tony Hawk.

"Man, those dudes shouldn't of been trying Ollie Impossibles, man. Gotta bail," said Plinkster as he left the scene in an SUV driven by his mother before Calabash County Sheriff's deputies could question him.

Latrino later released a written statement claiming that the only intent of the games was to instill a spirit of youthful enthusiasm and she regretted that harm may have come to any of her senior citizen clients, many of whom she has always considered as friends.

"Devo was blasting on the sound system when we arrived -- I didn't know anyone still listened to those guys any more," said Mudcat Falls Fire Chief Smoky Whistler. "And the scene was littered with bodies all over the half pipe, the bank ramp and the grind box. It was total pandemonium. The other curious thing was that each and everyone of the victims had a death grip on a business card from some lawyer."

Attorney Steve Dallas refused to comment on the record, but hinted that an inappropriate relationship between Latrino and Hackster may have contributed to her lack of judgement in electing to have seniors compete on skate boards and BMX bikes.

"I ain't seen nothin' like this since Nam," noted Sheriff Atticus W. Moosejowl as he arrived on the scene and surveyed the carnage.


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