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Fighting Gourds Take Triple A

MUDCAT FALLS -- The Mudcat Falls Community College Fighting Gourds, off to their worst season start in ten years with an 0-6 record, find themselves under attack from a growing number of academics, artists and alumni who are calling for their immediate withdrawal from the Big River Athletic Conference.

"While we support the players, we cannot support the games," declared Ruth Mouldifolio, Head of the Humanities Department. "We cannot win, so why should we senselessly be putting our pupils into harm's way every Saturday?"

Mouldifolio went on to explain that the money being spent on the MFCC football program could be put to better use domestically on campus.

"The English Department's only fichus tree died three years ago and has never been replaced," said Mouldifoilio.

Anti-grid iron protestors are expected to turn out in large numbers for Saturday's Homecoming game against the Pistol Creek University Bullets, when it is expected that the Gourds injured reserve list will reach 1000 under the tenure of embattled head coach Woody Molar.

In spite of a recent joint Poly-Sci/Mathematics Departments poll that shows campus support for the football program waning and Molar's approval rating at an all time low, Administration officials refuse to admit that mistakes have been made.

"It's unfortunate that these critics resort to defeatist attitudes and try to politicize the situation," said MFCC Chancellor Emil Ferrot. "Calling our valiant players 'losers' is hurting the moral of the team. We'll never get to a bowl game if we cut and run now."

Sophomore Penelope Parsnip began camping out in protest on Molar's tree lawn, vowing to stay until the Gourds Head Coach agrees to meet with her to discuss her boy friend's crippling groin injury.

"I guarantee she'll be gone by Thursday," said Molar. "That's when the trashmen make their pick up in our neighborhood."



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