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Hunkpapa's Color Man Clipped

PRICKLY PEAR -- A pall has cast its cold shadow over the Hustlin' Hunkpapa's spring training camp with the announced suspension of the team's beloved color commentator, Lefty Wright.

"This is a shock to us all," said his long-time partner, play-by-play announcer Herbie Morrison. "Frankly, I didn't even know there was a policy on controlled substances for those of us in the booth."

Wright failed a random drug screening, when he tested positive for the presence of elevated levels of testosterone. The anabolic steroid is often used by announcers to effect a deepening of their voice. Wright was known for his trademark bellowing of 'Ka-Boom' whenever a Hunkpapa hit a home run.

The Hunkpapas organization has a Zero Tolerance Policy for performance enhancing drugs and immediately suspended the color man for 90 days without pay. Wright will miss the regular season home opener.

"These allegations are patently absurd and we will fight this unwarranted suspension tooth and nail," said Wright's agent, Attorney Steve Dallas. "His usage of this particular pharmaceutical was strictly for off-duty medicinal purposes. He does have a reputation to maintain."

The effects of testosterone also include phallic enlargement, increased libido and erection frequency. Wright, rumored to be a womanizer and the target of several paternity suits, was recently divorced from local entertainer and dance studio proprietrix Bimini Gambflugel.

Ironically, Wright was tested after several broadcast engineers and technicians had complained of body odor, an oily residue left on his headset and microphone, excessive hair shedding and generally odd behavior in the booth.


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