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Bullets Go Nuclear

SLAVUTICH -- Legendary Pistol Creek University Bullets Basketball scout Les Blenderhoff was given a tall order and has delivered, recruiting an eight foot, one inch center for the team just in time for the annual NCAA "March Madness" tournament.

Scouring former Soviet Union republics, Blenderhoff found future NBA stand-out Feyodor Ilyich Raskolnikov at this quaint village on the River Pripyat near the Belarus-Ukraine border, where he worked as a professional ceiling painter. Raskolnikov's father was once employed at the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant.

"I think we've got our shot at going to the Final Four," exuded Bullets head basketball coach Red Whitey, whose team is undefeated this season. "Our opponents' defenses just seem to simply melt in his presence."

When opposing players began complaining of headaches, nausea, hair loss and sterility after pounding the boards with the Bullets, coaches began sneaking Geiger Counters and dosimeters into Pistol Creek University's Glock Arena. Now several teams in the Big River Athletic conference who have been victimized by Raskolnikov's deadly dunk shot, have filed complaints with the National College Athletic Association, alleging the Bullets are violating the ban on performance enhancing substances.

"People are very aware there is a problem in sports with anabolic steroids, but the NCAA really needs to wake up and take immediate action on this whole gamma ray abuse issue," said Mudcat Falls Community College Chancellor Emil Ferritt, whose Fighting Gourds were trounced by the PCU Bullets 142-63. "If they do not act and act soon, every Athletic Director in the conference is going to start trying to smuggle in yellow cake uranium from Nigeria."

The NCAA has refused to comment on the complaints received, but has acknowledged that they are reviewing the situation.

Blenderhoff, who was diagnosed with lung cancer in April, 2004, was miraculously declared cancer free by his physician upon his return from the Ukraine earlier this year.



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