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Killer Trout Headed Our Way

NATCHEZ -- An abandoned bass boat, lazily lapping at the shore near Morgan's Fork of the Homochitta River, has confirmed the worst fears of game wardens and directors of State Departments of Natural Resources throughout the nation: South American Killer Trout are moving northward, spreading throughout domestic U.S. fresh water river systems. The news has sent shock waves through the sport fishing community and triggered an emergency meeting of the Mudcat Falls Nuke Em Bass Tournament and Fish Fry Festival Steering Committee who fear the wrath of a hungry crowd if the competition take cannot keep the deep fat fryers filled.

The blood-stained Triton model 170 Mag II, seventeen foot, ninety horsepower craft was found by Riley Philomon, who was out working his dogs in preparation for the Franklin County Beagle Club's upcoming field trials.

"The hounds just went crazy when the trail broke out near the shore line," said Philomon. "I thought it was fish blood and guts, but when I saw that forearm and hand, still clutching a St. Croix Legend Elite EC70MHF graphite rod, I knew something was amiss."

South American Killer Trout appear to be slowly making their way upstream to Mudcat Falls with their voracious appetites, chewing their way through fish stock, hapless farm animals, family pets and now, tragically, humans . Leading biologists agree that the hybrid species, which was developed at the Mengele Institute for Bio-Diversity, based in Esperanza, Bolivia, in a purported attempt to domesticate the South American piranha, is the greatest threat to our country's native flora and fauna since the ill advised introduction of kudzu from Japan in 1876 and Zebra Mussels from Europe in the mid-1980s.

Just how Mengele laboratory workers succeeded in having the piranha mate with -- instead of devour -- the tasty female trout sows is a mystery that Institute spokesman Gunther Guderian-Williams insists is a trade secret which the institute refuses to share with the world. The organization is generally viewed by legitimate scientists as a rogue operation. Funding sources for the group's misguided experiments is an apparent mystery as well, though INTERPOL has tracked several wire transfers from numbered Swiss accounts to local banks in Bolivia.

Even more deadly than the South African Killer Bees, the Troutanha, as it is being called, is credited with a growing number of domestic animal disappearances, including Walt Kurwicke's prized Rottweiler, "Slobber,"who chased a frisbee into Arkabutla Lake and suddenly vanished in a boiling froth of mossy, bloody water right in front of his wife and young children during a family picnic outing two weekends ago. Law enforcement officials are taking a fresh look at numerous reported livestock disappearances throughout the lower Mississippi River Valley and are urging parents to keep a close eye on children whenever in close proximity to bodies of fresh water.

While Fly Fishing clubs caucus, Bassmaster groups throughout the United States have banded together, organizing a "Million Jig March" on Washington D.C. in an attempt to urge immediate government action to protect domestic stocks of large and small mouth bass for the upcoming season. Complicating matters legally for the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service is the fact that the Amazon piranha studs fell for Paiute Cutthroat Trout, which has been on the Endangered Species List since March 11, 1967, meaning deadly force may not be used to root out the infestation without legislative action from Congress. The Sierra Club has vowed to fight any roll back of current environmental protection laws.

"I guess this is pretty serious stuff -- even worse than that Martin Sheen deal -- 'cause, you know, we've never had an angler fatality during the entire history of the competition . . . though it might add a touch of excitement to things, like in NASCAR, you know, to take folks minds off food," said Orley Bovine, Mudcat Falls Nuke Em Bass Tournament and Fish Fry Festival Executive Director, with a spit of tobacco and a hitch of his pants, in response to the alarming news. "Or maybe we can get Pam Anderson to come help us out and make this year the best Festival ever. We could have a whole Baywatch theme thing going on with Skeedoos and everything. Or maybe her cousin Lonnie likes fishing. After all she's from Slippery Rock."


2003 MFTHPPPGT




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