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Fighting Gourds Coach Sees Red

MUDCAT FALLS -- The Mudcat Falls Community College Fighting Gourds' hot new prospect for the coming season was a no show for the first day of training camp. J.J. Kiltkuff, son of 2004 Democratic Mayoral candidate John Fitzgerald Kiltkuff refused to report after learning of Head Coach Woody Molar's plans to move him to right tackle.

"The Kiltkuff family has a reputation to uphold," said family spokesman attorney Steven Dallas. "As a veritable cornerstone of Democratic politics, no Kiltkuff has ever been positioned on the right of any issue and John-John has no intention of breaking with family tradition -- now or ever. And believe me, we will sue if need be."

Kiltkuff's father nearly unseated incumbent Mayor Archibald Alabaster III in the 2004 election, despite being in a coma, ultimately losing by a mere 73 votes when the Calabash County District Court halted the ballot recount.

MFCC scouts have fanned out across the Midwest and Southeast to scour red state high schools in a desperate search for a bipartisan solution to shoring up a porous offensive line which allowed an NCAA Big River Conference record 137 sacks last season.

Molar's comments on the situation were unfit for publication.



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