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Mudcat Falls Soccer League Black Listed

HARTFORD -- The United States Soccer Regime today blackballed the Mudcat Falls Youth Soccer League Chapter of its junior soccer program for what has been termed "grievous" violations of their by-laws. The USSR has cited actions by parents at games which have "willfully and maliciously undermined the true spirit of sportsmanship and character development for which soccer and our organization stands."

"We were keeping score," admitted soccer-mom Missy Vanderquilt, whose son Biff plays goalie for the MFYSL Aquamarines. All USSR team names are generic and have no mascots or logos. "We are heavily invested in Biff's soccer career with equipment, trainers, coaches, sports psychologists, designer jerseys, as well as disciplined workout and strength building routines. My husband and I did not make this commitment of resources -- not to mention all the hours I've spent in the family mini-van chauffeuring him back and forth to practice and games -- not to have a winner. You're damn right I was keeping score. We need to see a strong ROI on this program or we will have to shut it down."

Six-year-old Biff had no comment as he sucked a cherry slurpee noisily through a straw.

"Sports has long been considered a healthy outlet for the competitive and aggressive nature of mankind, particularly males," explained Gunther Uberflassen, Mudcat Falls Community College Adjunct Professor of Psychology. "While many are clearly uncomfortable with its analogous relationship to war and battle, especially for the young, it is certainly better than having the vile little street urchins soaping windows and festooning shrubbery with toilet paper, just because one of their neighbors happens to speak with a Prussian accent."

The USSR took the unprecedented action after it had been alerted to an unusually high level of Palm Pilot activity on the sidelines of MFYSL games. Frederick Engels IV, Executive Director, explained that the policy is primarily a paperwork issue. "If we began to keep score, then we would need standings and player stats and MVPs and a Hall of Fame and newsletters and web sites -- where in the world would it end? It takes all of the ritalin that Ciba-Geigy can make now to get the kids to just finish the games, not to mention the dump truck loads of lithium carbonate to keep parents from killing one another in the stands as it is."

"We intend to fight this creeping third world socialism to the death before it infects all of the sacred institutions of our great nation, like the NFL, the Emmy Awards, the Miss America Pageant and free elections," declared Attorney Steve Dallas, who has been retained by MFYSL parents to fight their expulsion. "It is time we draw a chalk line on the Kentucky Bluegrass turf of our homeland and push these pinkos back into the oceans."

According to unofficial records, Biff Vanderquilt's Aquamarines are in a tight pennant race with the Topes and Mauves with only five games remaining in the season.



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