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MFCC Swim Team Stripped

PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- Saturday's regional collegiate swim meet ended in chaos, chlorine and controversy as the Pistol Creek University Bullets coach lodged a formal protest with NCAA officials against the Mudcat Falls Community College swim team for illegal corking in violation of Rule 6.06 Section D and demanded that their sweep of victories in all events, except diving, be nullified.

"There was no way we could compete with their Synchronized Swimmers," said Bullets coach Wilma "Wave" Crester. "They were bobbing out there like lobster buoys."

As the day wore on, suspicion steadily grew on the part of competing coaches, spectators and meet officials, as the MFCC Fighting Gourds shattered one national record after another. When officials were finally forced to step in and strip the team swimmers of their gold medals, enraged MFCC fans and students stormed the podium and polluted PCU's olympic-sized pool.

"We've never had a situation like this," remarked Esther Weissmuller, Rules Matron of the United States Association of Swim Sanctioning Bodies. "But I do believe the rule infraction in question actually refers to Major League Baseball."

Ernst Wiccleslip, PCU Physics Department Research Associate, explained that the additional buoyancy provided by cork would mean that swim stroke energy normally required to remain afloat could be converted to a forward thrust vector, thus providing a distinct propulsion advantage. Wiccleslip refused to speculate for the record on exactly how a competitive swimmer dressed only in tight fitting Lycra might be corked.

Gourd's Swim Coach and part-time MFCC Professor of Marine Biology Porky Chumwater vowed to fight the allegations to the death and restore his team's records to the annals of NCAA sports history.

At last word, the PCU Janitorial Staff was still waiting for an emergency shipment of extra strength chlorine to return the university's pool to compeitive condition.












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