Go to Sports Headlines

Classic Clash K-Os Hacker Fan Fave

PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- Local fan favorite Bobby "Weed Whacker" Jones's Sunday charge to the top of the leader board at the Pistol Creek Golf Classic went awry with his errant tee shot on the notorious #12 par 3, indisputably the toughest swing on the storied Spider Rapids Country Club course.

Jones was two strokes behind tournament leader Panther DuBois when, during his back swing, he apparently fell victim to a heckler, who was with a group of flora and fauna rights activists there as part of an Earth Day Week protest against the adverse environmental impact of the royal and ancient sport. His Titleist Pro V1x struck another protester, Digby Dalhaber, locally renowned thespian and Executive Director of the Calabash League for the Appreciation of Plants, knocking him out cold.

"And then, all of a sudden everything is sixes and sevens, like the tournament turned into a bloody soccer match," explained five-time British Open near-qualifier, Limey McGregor, who was treated for injuries from the ensuing melee when Jones's loyal gallery of golf fans, known as "Weed Whacker's Wedgies," suddenly turned on the protesters. "They fell upon those pitiful sots like barmy Zulu warriors."

By the time PGA Tour marshals had restored order with the rather aggressive use of their "Quiet" signs as night sticks, holes #11, #12 and #13, comprising the fabled Hell's Kitchen Corner azalea frocked beauty were utterly destroyed and USGA rules officials were forced to declare the course unplayable. In doing so, DuBois was pronounced the winner of the first ever 61-hole tournament in golf history and received yet another Kelly green blazer for his closet.

"It was supposed to be a peaceful, orderly protest," said Hillary Hickums, President of the local chapter of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, when queried about the nearly $3 million worth of damage caused by the riot. "We tried to warn the ELF [Earth Liberation Front] people not to mess with the fans. They just did not appreciate how passionately these golfers feel about chasing a little white ball up and down hills with sticks. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go and bail my own golf nut, Mr. Hickums, out of jail now."

Two hundred and sixteen protesters and golf fans arrested by the Calabash County Sheriff's Department were still corralled late Sunday evening behind the chain link fence of the Spider Rapids Country Club tennis courts at what was quickly dubbed Camp X-Ray Country Club. The Calabash County Memorial Hospital Emergency Room was overwhelmed with nearly five hundred injured protesters. No Wedgies were reported hurt.

"I don't really know what happened," commented Jones on the incident. "I guess I should have listened to my caddy when he pulled out my six iron for a knock down shot in that wind, but I really thought I could make the green with a seven iron."




©2004 MFTHPPPGT




www.mudcatfalls.com



Go to Sports Headlines