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Pork Rind Widow Sues Tribe

MUDCAT FALLS -- The widow of Hustlin' Hunkpapa's third baseman Vic "Pork Rind" Perkowski has filed suit against the team for negligence in connection with his death at the hands of the "Meat Grinder" sports serial killer last season.

The suit contends that Pork Rind suffered from PTLS -- Post Traumatic Losers Syndrome -- as a result of his seven year contract with the Hunkpapas and claims it was a contributing factor in his death.

"Athletes on persistently losing teams experience severe emotional, psychological and even physical impairments," said Mudcat Falls Community College Adjunct Professor of Psychology Gunther Uberflassen, founder of Chronic Losers Anonymous Psychotherapeutics, which specializes in treatments for coping with PTLS. "Just look at what all those years on the Buffalo Bills in the Seventies did to O.J. Simpson"

CLAP has treated not only athletes at all levels of competition, but also Oscar losing actors and Democratic politicians.

Mrs. Pork Rind, the former Amanda Pikleskwurt, a Las Vegas entertainer, is seeking $26 million in damages.

In a written statement team spokesman Neville Batts denied any responsibility, noting that Pork Rind died of a gunshot wound from a lone assassin.

"We believe that Pork Rind, a promising young talent, was in a career death spiral caused by being stuck on minor league team that hasn't been out of the cellar in decades," said Steve Dallas, Pikleskwurt's attorney. "The Hunkpapa's put him in those cross-hairs just as surely as if they had strapped him into an electric chair."

To date, the "Meat Grinder" remains at large.



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