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Soccer It To Me

PETALUMA -- Area youth soccer was dealt yet another body blow when the National Soccer Development Axis Presidium de-sanctioned the Calabash County Kiddie Soccer Conference after last week's long awaited re-match between the Mauves and Aquamarines had to be cancelled at the last minute due to a melee amongst tail-gating parents before the game.

"There is no place for such gypsy rabble in our organization," announced NSDAP Chancellor Hans Schicklgruber in handing down the decision. "We categorically cannot tolerate this lack of discipline amongst our Pact of Steel members."

Rioting broke out in the parking lot of RK Memorial Field when the father of Mauve's star forward Wendell Osterminkle was attacked by the RK Meat Packing Mascot, Timmy Tube Steak. Blintz Osterminkle, a Regional Sales Manager for Hormel, was dressed in a twelve ounce SPAM can costume at the time to promote the spicy luncheon meat, when he was clocked with a vicious right hook. More than 6 billion cans of SPAM have been sold since it's introduction in 1937.

"That SPAM guy had no business here! Hey, we're mad as hell and we're not going to take it any more," screamed Timmy Tube Steak as sheriff's deputies took him into custody. "What am I supposed to do? Wait until he whacks me with a baseball bat?"

While RK Meat Packing Company has placed their beloved bun pup on unpaid administrative leave, pending the outcome of an official investigation, the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council and the Association of National Talisman and Irritating Characters in Sports (ANTICS), have rushed to his defense by retaining local attorney Steve Dallas to represent him.

"Mr. Tube Steak's profession is one wrought with hazard and potential injury," said Dallas from the steps of the Calabash County Courthouse. "Just ask Vic the Demon or Chief Brave Spirit or Mandy Schnitzel. Elongated meat products should not be unfairly discriminated against and pummelled by steroid sucking sluggers. They have rights, too."

The long awaited showdown between the two soccer teams had been on hold for nearly two years, after the United States Soccer Regime blacklisted the county's youth soccer programs in December, 2002. Since the NSDAP, like the USSR, forbids score keeping, a forfeit could not be declared, leaving the rivalry as yet untested.

"I'm quitting this stupid game," whined Aquamarine Biff Vanderquilt. "It's just too confusing and boring and, anyway, we never seem to get to even play, you know."




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