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No Joy in Nerdville

MUDCAT FALLS -- In a rare joint appearance, Mudcat Falls Community College Head Football Coach Woody Molar and Adjunct Professor of Psychology Gunther Uberflassen called a press conference to announce the results of a landmark study of athletic prowess in Calabash County and to accuse neighboring Pistol Creek Junction of dork dumping in Mudcat Falls.

"What else could explain the collective plummeting of the visual acuity of our young people over the past two decades?" asked lead investigator Uberflassen. "Our children's average eyesight is rapidly approaching 20/100 -- and 20/200 is legally blind."

The study also points to a sharp increase of non-sports related physical injuries in Mudcat Falls as evidence of rising clumsiness. Other leading indices cited include higher than average local sales of video games, comic books and Stridex.

During the same time period, Pistol Creek Junction schools have completely dominated tri-state area sports at all levels, from Pop Warner football to the Big River Athletic Conference, though Pistol Creek Junction officials deny any inappropriate behavior.

"I knew them guys was cheating and now I can prove it," fumed Molar, who narrowly avoided last place in this year's NCAA Bowl Championship Series when Rutgers forfeited the Dick Clark Censored TV Bloopers Bowl. "How can I field a winning team when I ain't got squat to work with?"

Councilman Sorrell Needlemensch called the alleged inequalities the first great civil rights cause of the new millennium and vowed to "fight the good fight" all the way to the Supreme Court to bring an end to "Digital Age Segregation," even if it means reviving forced school bussing.







©2006 MFTHPPPGT




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