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France Accuses US of Gene Doping

PARIS -- Henri Serandour, President of Comite National Olympique et Sportif Fancais, has lodged a formal complaint against the United States for cheating by funding and operating so-called "Pixie Mills" where young, nubile gymnasts and figure skaters are genetically engineered and manufactured to go for the Olympic Gold.

"We call upon the International Olympic Committee to suspend the United States from participating in the upcoming Athens games and for the International Court of Justice in the Hague to investigate President George W. Bush for sports crimes against humanity in this disturbing abuse of science by the U.S. government along with their willing accomplices in Hollywood, the media and the private sector, " said Serandour, through a translator. "First it was stealing the election, then the invasion of Iraq, now we have this unspeakable conspiracy to create these Franken-minx in a cynical attempt to rule the sports world. Who will stop this mad man?"

The allegations specifically cite the April, 2003, completion of the National Institute of Health's Human Genome Project, which successfully completed a high-quality, comprehensive sequence of the human genome. Embedded within this as-yet poorly understood code are the genetic instructions for the entire repertoire of cellular components, knowledge of which is needed to unravel the complexities of biological systems.

French sports officials have long feared that America's lead in biomedical research will put them at a distinct disadvantage in the Olympic Movement to "contribute to building a peaceful and better world by educating youth through sport practiced without discrimination of any kind and in the Olympic spirit."

"Do you really believe that for one minute George Steinbrenner is not feverishly trying to crack DNA squeezed from the sweaty jerseys of Ruth, Gehring, DiMaggio and Mantle to resurrect the Yankee dynasty?" asked Linda Gunter, Press Secretary for the Union of Concerned Scientists. "And we hear whispers on the PGA Tour that Tiger Woods was genetically engineered in the top secret Nike Sport Research Lab in Oregon."

Officials from the U.S. Olympic Committee dismissed the allegations as unworthy of serious comment and pointed to the cheating scandal involving a French judge in the figure skating pairs finals at the 2002 Salt Lake City Winter Olympics.

"Is bull," declared Bela Karolyi, the most successful coach in the history of gymnastics, who has produced 28 Olympians, nine Olympic Champions, 15 World Champions, 12 European medalists and six U.S. National Champions in 30 years of coaching in both his native Romania and the United States. "I will break this man like little stick."

In the history of the modern Olympic Games, United States athletes have won a grand total 2,309 medals, while the French trail with a mere 670.



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