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Anglers Repel Gang Green

MUDCAT FALLS -- In what history will surely judge as one of the largest naval engagements since the Battle of Leyte Gulf, the annual Mudcat Falls Nuke Em Bass Tournament and Fish Fry Festival erupted into a fierce battle when extreme radical elements of the Calabash League for Animal Protection known as Gang Green steamed their flotilla of canoes, rafts and kayaks at dawn directly into the fleet of Basscat, Ranger and Skeeter bass boats filled with Adrenalin pumping anglers intent on winning this year's prize.

"It was touch and go for a while there, partner" panted two-time winner Rodney Slackjaw. "If it hadn't been for the quick thinking of good ol' Porky, we'd have been sent down into the briny deep."

Retired Bassmaster and Tournament Referee Porky Chumwater rallied a squad of jet skies to thwart a late afternoon kamikaze kayak attack, which turned the tide in the sportsmen's favor, driving the environmentalists back down Spider Rapids and over the Gila Bend Falls.

"CLAP did not authorize, nor do they endorse the actions of Mitch Imura and Gang Green," said ACLU attorney Clinton Svintaogle who represents the environmental advocacy group. "Though we all well understand and sympathize with their anger and frustration in stopping this senseless slaughter of living creatures."

Gang Green is suspected of wide ranging eco-terrorist and economic sabotage activities, including the spiking of lumber trees, the defacing of Hummers, the burning of ski resorts and housing developments as well as the illegal baiting of duck hunters.

Earlier in the day, Judge Aristotle Needlemensch had refused to grant CLAP's request for an injunction halting the tournament, thereby thwarting the group's efforts for the fifth year in a row to extend basic civil rights to wildlife and plunging Calabash County's most famous sporting event into war.

"Just because they are cold-blooded doesn't mean that they don't have feelings," exclaimed CLAP Chairperson and Gang Green freedom fighter Che Digby Dalhaber, who was taken as a prisoner of sports. "I'd like to see how fatso Porky would like a fish hook set in those jowls of his."

The Mudcat Falls Nuke Em Bass Tournament and Fish Fry Festival originated when local sportsmen discovered that the warm waters near the Tornado Alley Nuclear Reactor upstream of Mudcat Falls had become a natural gathering place for numerous species of aquatic life, most notably large and small mouth bass.

Sheila Chumwater won this year's title by continuing to fish upstream throughout the day long battle, setting a new one-day catch record of 68.41 pounds.


©2005 MFTHPPPGT




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